


Edge of Chaos

by revise



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcoholic Tony Stark, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Irondad, M/M, Mixing Canon, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Peter Needs a Hug, Peter is struggling, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Trans Peter Parker, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, but idk the plot to that so i'm glossing over it, cuz im a sucker for peter/harry, don't hate me for this one, i promise it works, in the past though, post iw part 2 also, spiderson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-08-08 04:33:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16422488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revise/pseuds/revise
Summary: “I know you’ve been staying in the compound every so often to get a feel for what the hero gig really means. I uhh, well, I wanted to ask if you wanted to stay for the weekends, and maybe a couple days during the week. After school of course,” Tony sounds like he’s struggling for words, “I know you have May, and a social life, so it’s completely your call, but I think it would be good for you to establish some more connections if this is what you want to do with your life,” Tony stops abruptly, seeming like he wanted to say something else, but got caught on the last word.Peter doesn’t know what to say. He wants to accept the offer, but he was so sure that he was being let go. Without thinking he decides.orHow Peter deals with the aftermath.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a bit of a bigger project. I'm super stoked for this one, and updates should come about once a week to once every two weeks. 
> 
> I've never personally dealt with some of the things Peter goes through in this fic, so if anybody has any issues with the way I've written things, please feel free to comment so I can make it more accurate. I'm not giving Peter a clear diagnosis, he just has certain symptoms, but if anybody is triggered by things related to ptsd, depression, and disordered eating, please be careful. I don't think I've gone into anything in too much detail, but please be wary just in case.
> 
> Also, this fic is Peter/Harry endgame. Harry does play a large role in the plot. I'm only using certain aspects of the Harry Osborn from tasm and the original movies, but the character is altered to fit better into the mcu, and my fic.

Nightmares aren’t really a new thing for Peter. He figures everybody gets them from time to time. So what if he hasn’t gotten a full nights sleep for the past couple weeks? He’s been through a lot more shit than the average guy, so it makes sense that he’d have nightmares more often.

So, when he bolts up in the middle of the night, hurling himself straight into the ceiling, he isn’t really surprised.

Well… after the erratic pounding of his heart slows down, and the ringing in his ears stops, then he isn’t surprised.

He drops back down onto the top bunk (he’s taken to sleeping there because he finds he doesn’t like having anything but a ceiling over top of him) after catching his breath, and sighs. He’s fine. It’s just a nightmare. He makes a half attempt at going back to sleep.

Red, everywhere, yet somehow closing in.

Peter opens his eyes, digging fingernails into his arm. He’s in bed, at home. It’s been months.

He sits up warily, knowing he’s not getting back to sleep tonight. The clock reads 4:10am, so it’s way too early to start getting ready for school. He looks across his room to where his suit is sitting in a bin in his closet.

He could go out. Patrol for a couple hours. That would at least be a good use of his time.

Peter slides the suit on, letting it snap tight to his form. He checks his reflection in the mirror, making sure everything is in place. His chest is flat. His hips aren’t too prominent. He looks like Spiderman… well, without the mask.

He reaches for it in the bin, but his phone beeps first.

 _What are you doing up, don’t you have school in the morning?_ _-Tony_

Peter looks around, he’s sure he’s in his place and not at the compound. It’s Sunday night… well, Monday morning. How does Tony know he’s up?

_Just going out for a bit, nervous for the first day. Also, what are you doing up? And how do you know I’m up? -Peter_

_You had a couple rough nights last weekend too, you sure it’s just nerves? Talk to me kid -Tony_

Tony blatantly doesn’t answer Peter’s questions. Whatever breach of privacy Mr. Stark is currently using on him will have to wait for another time.

_I’m fine. It’s my senior year, who wouldn’t be nervous? -Peter_

He really isn’t in the mood to delve into the content of his nightmare right now, so Tony better drop the subject.

_Fair point. Go back to bed though, no being a hero before sunrise -Tony_

Peter puts his phone down and shrugs the suit off. He knows Tony is right and that he should probably go back to bed, but he can’t. Previous attempts mostly just result in Peter freaking himself out, and even worse: remembering.

Tony cutting into his thoughts with the conversation did snap him back into reality a bit more, but he still feels hazy enough, and vulnerable enough, that he can’t risk going to sleep again. He needs something more to tether him to the present.

May is sleeping, so he can’t make too much noise, but the shower is probably quiet and monotonous enough that she’ll stay asleep.

He’s insanely tired, and still a bit groggy, so he dials the spray to cold. That should wake him up so he at least doesn’t feel as horrible.

He peels out of his boxers and binder, vaguely thinking he shouldn’t have let himself fall asleep with it on. He didn’t even notice he’d left it on when he was changing into the spider suit. That’s how up in the air he is lately.

Peter ignores himself in the mirror, and steps into the thankfully opaque shower. It’s freezing, and he’s shivering within a few minutes, but he doesn’t turn it up. It’s already shocked his body into forgetting any tiredness that was lingering.

He scrubs himself with soap until he notices his fingernails have turned slightly blue. Peter didn’t realize he was spaced out until this. He couldn’t have been in the shower for that long.

His lips are a little blue when he steps back into view of the mirror.

He dries off and pulls the binder back over his head, taking a deep breath once he’s settled into it. He doesn’t feel terrible, so it must be okay to continue wearing it.

After he pulls fresh clothes on, he steps out of the bathroom to see the sky is now navy blue instead of pitch black. When he looks at the clock it reads 5:45am. At least he killed enough time that he won’t be sitting in the schoolyard waiting for the doors to be unlocked.

* * *

School starts off okay. Peter finishes calculus first thing in the morning without falling asleep at his desk, so he’d count that as a win. When he moves onto chemistry, he’s paired with a boy he’s never seen before.

“Hi, I’m Harry,” the guy smiles at him, and Peter returns the gesture and then introduces himself.

Once he actually gets a good look at the guy, he’s gone.

Harry’s gorgeous. There’s no other way to put it. This guy is going to end up so popular. Peter doesn’t really want to get his hopes up because Harry’s probably going to be surrounded by girls before the end of the week.

Peter listens as Harry casually chats about his previous school, and answers some questions about Midtown when Harry asks. When he brings up the decathlon team, Harry seems interested, and Peter tells him to talk to MJ who’s running it this year.

Maybe the year might go as planned for once.

The class goes smoothly, Peter able to keep his eyes open, and not lose too much focus on what’s being written on the whiteboard. If Peter sneaks a few glances at Harry, purely for remembering what his new lab partner looks like, who’s there to judge him?

In Spanish, Peter is hardly paying attention to the teacher. It’s not even that the class is boring, or too easy (it’s really not either of those things), it’s just that Peter is starting to feel antsy, and somehow even more hyperaware than usual. He saw a bird dart across the window at the beginning of class, and maybe it scared him for a second because all he could see was a donut shaped spaceship, but that shouldn’t have kept him on high alert.

That fight was months ago. It was just a bird.

Peter taps his pen on the side of the desk repeatedly, his eyes darting from the clock to the windows to the front of the classroom. He’s fine. He’s in school. He has his suit with him if he needs it.

When the bell finally rings, he stands up abruptly, and heads to the cafeteria to meet Ned and Michelle at their usual table. Once he gets into the cafeteria, Peter starts feeling strange.

There’s so many people, clustered around, and the chatter is insane. It’s not even like he hasn’t heard it before; he’s already gone through three years of it. It’s just that nobody notices him, and it’s almost like he doesn’t exist.

Peter sucks in a breath, and he can’t seem to exhale. There’s so many people, so much movement, but he can’t move. He can’t breathe…

“Hey Pete,” a hand claps his shoulder, and Peter is pulled out of his head.

He lets out a breath, and starts walking with Ned towards his table. That was strange. Peter hasn’t really felt like that before. It almost reminds him of when he was scared of public speaking in grade school, but this felt more unsettling. Peter takes in a couple deep breaths to make sure there isn’t anything wrong with his chest, but all his ribs feel fine.

A hand waves in front of his face, “Earth to Peter,” MJ slows the wave, and his eyes snap into focus on her face.

“Uhh, sorry,” He sits down, looking at her expectantly.

“I was just saying that some guy named Harry approached me while I was at my locker just now, saying you sent him,”

“I didn’t send anybody, anywhere,” Peter raises his hands in innocence, “But if this guy starts giving you trouble, I can beat him up for you if you’d like.”

“Actually, he was talking about decathlon. He wants to join,” MJ gives him a strange look before she continues, “I haven’t even put up posters yet, but apparently all we need for marketing is Peter’s big mouth,”

“Was it supposed to be a secret?” Ned cuts in.

Michelle just shakes her head and turns her attention to the open sketchbook next to her lunch.

“How do you know this Harry guy?” Ned asks Peter.

“I met him in chemistry, I don’t really know him,” he shrugs.

Ned gives him a look that only ever means one thing.

“No. He was the one who started talking to me. He just wanted some more info about the school.”

Ned smirks.

“He’s my lab partner, what was I supposed to do? Not talk to him?”

“I shared your preference for Liz, but for this one you’re on your own, bud,” Ned pats him on the back, and Peter just rolls his eyes.

“It’s okay, at least he’s not ugly,” MJ grins, and Peter can feel his face heating up.

“I’ve known this guy for ten seconds, you guys need to chill,” Peter bites into his sandwich to signify that he’s done talking about this.

The rest of lunch goes by without his friends trying to get a rise out of him, and Peter forgets what happened when he walked into the cafeteria. He’s feeling pretty good… until he realizes he has gym class next.

It’s not the actual class that’s the problem, it’s more the locker room that he has problems with. Usually when he’s wearing his tank binder, it just looks like an undershirt, and he can get away with facing the wall while changing. When he’s wearing the half top one like he is now, he knows it doesn’t look right, so he basically has to wait until the last second to quickly swap shirts, or he has to change in the bathrooms down the hall.

While he walks, he quickly decides that he’ll go with the bathrooms because it looks like Flash is heading the same way he is. He’s really not in the mood to relive the incident that lead to Flash dubbing him ‘Penis Parker’ in freshman year.

He rushes to get his clothes swapped, not wanting to be late on the first day. While his performance in gym class has improved since he got bit by the spider, he’s been late to class enough that his teacher isn’t too fond of him.

He gets there in time, and most of the class is either milling around, or sitting on the bleachers. He quickly spots Ned up near the top, and jogs over to join him. Once he sits down he spots MJ over in one corner, her sketchbook donned, and her pencil flying.

“Hey, who’s that near MJ?” Ned is looking in the same direction as Peter.

Peter shifts his gaze to see Harry, looking a little out of place, shifting from foot to foot. One glance at a group of girls, sitting next to Peter and Ned, confirms Peter’s prediction that he will indeed be popular among the ladies.

“That’s Harry. That’s the guy MJ was talking about,” Peter looks down at his shoes and starts fiddling with the laces.

“You mean the guy you were talking about,” Ned bumps his shoulder, “Looks like he wants to say hi.”

When Peter looks back up, Harry is inching closer to them. They meet eyes, and Harry gives a little wave. Peter bites his lip and waves him over. He wouldn’t like being the new kid during the last year of high school either. He figures he could use another person in his strange little friend group.

“Hey Harry, this is Ned,” Peter points his thumb in Ned’s direction.

“Hi,” Harry smiles at Ned in a way that makes Peter’s heart flutter, “Sorry I keep bothering you, I just don’t really know anybody else,”

“The academic decathlon team is a pretty good group of people, I’m sure you’ll fit in just fine if you decide to join. And if not, there’s always other clubs, and plenty of sports teams,” Ned assures him.

Harry starts saying something, but the whistle blows, and class commences.

* * *

Peter slingshots himself to the top of the building, flipping forwards and landing lightly at the top. Neighbourhood patrol was paused over the summer because Mr. Stark wasn’t letting Peter go out for anything after the Thanos incident. They still haven’t really talked about it, but about two weeks before school started, Tony said he could start patrolling like before (after a lot of begging from Peter because he was starting to feel pretty useless). He could tell Mr. Stark had something else to say, but he didn’t, so Peter wasn’t going to ask.

It’s still not what Peter wants to be doing, but as long as he’s helping people, he’s okay with it. Almost as soon as he put the suit on after school, he stopped a purse theft. It’s something. He’s helping.

The last couple weeks haven’t been very eventful, though. Today is probably the most action he’s seen since he started back up again. Maybe crime is down; Peter wouldn’t know. He’s not exactly unhappy that there’s not much to do, but a better distraction would be nice.

He scans the city below him, trying not to let his mind wander to anything that happened last spring. The monotonous, faraway noise of the cars below him are coaxing him to relax. His eyelids are starting to get heavy.

Peter pinches himself, and he feels somewhat more awake. He can’t fall asleep now. Especially while he’s on the job.

“How was your first day of school?” Peter jumps back in surprise, fully awake at the voice that comes through his suit.

He muted Karen a while ago, so he’s not used to having a voice in his head while he’s on patrol.

“Mr. Stark… I uhh, it was okay I guess,” Peter fumbles through an answer, confused as to why Tony has so much interest in him all of a sudden.

“Don’t stay out too long, I’m sure you have homework to do.”

“I won’t,” Peter sighs, “Do you need help for something? Usually you don’t talk to me unless you need something.”

He can feel the air shift, and Peter curses himself silently for saying something like that. Their relationship has always been a bit rocky, and since the… since the thing in spring it’s only gotten worse. Peter just wants Tony to like him, be proud of him, and he’s not doing a great job of making that happen.

“No, I don’t need anything,” Tony pauses, and Peter almost thinks they’re done talking, “I just…”

Peter braces himself for the worst. It was only a matter of time before Tony decided to drop him from the team. It makes sense after what happened.

“I know you’ve been staying in the compound every so often to get a feel for what the hero gig really means. I uhh, well, I wanted to ask if you wanted to stay for the weekends, and maybe a couple days during the week. After school of course,” Tony sounds like he’s struggling for words, “I know you have May, and a social life, so it’s completely your call, but I think it would be good for you to establish some more connections if this is what you want to do with your life,” Tony stops abruptly, seeming like he wanted to say something else, but got caught on the last word.

Peter doesn’t know what to say. He wants to accept the offer, but he was so sure that he was being let go. Without thinking he decides.

“Yeah, I’d love to. Does this mean you’re making me an avenger again? I’d really like to help out a bit more—” Tony cuts him off before he can keep going.

“We’ll work out the details. For now lets just say you live at the compound Thursday after school till Monday mornings, starting this week. That work for you?” Tony offers.

Peter smiles behind his mask, “Yes, of course. That’s perfect. I’ll have to talk to May about this first though, so I’ll text you when I get home tonight.”

“Sounds good kid, gotta go.”

Peter hears a short beep to signify that Tony’s hung up.

He takes a step back to the edge of the roof, now alone again. The sky’s starting to get darker, and Peter knows May will want to talk to him tonight. He figures he’s already done as much as he can do this evening, and he does have a bit of homework, so it’s probably time to head back.

Peter shoots a web onto an adjacent building, and hops off the roof.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One week later, and I'm actually posting on schedule! This one is a bit short and has a lot of exposition, but after this it's smooth sailing with real plot and stuff :)

There’s a spider in the corner of the classroom, and Peter can’t focus properly on the decathlon meeting. His senses keep alerting him of every twitch of the spiders legs while it shapes a web on the ceiling. It also doesn’t help that his attention is bouncing between the occasional footsteps going up and down the hall, and the clock that’s ticking way too loudly. 

MJ is going over some of the reading material that she wants the team to brush up on, and talking about how she plans on running things for her last year. Peter heard the same stuff last year, and although he knows he should be listening regardless, he can’t seem to make himself focus. 

Harry twists next to him, cracking his back. Peter makes a face at him, but Harry just smiles and shrugs. 

It’s been four days of knowing each other, and Harry has already slotted himself into the group. Him and Ned have bonded over their love for Legend of Zelda, while Michelle stated he’s “not a loser” after sitting next to him in calculus on the first day of school. 

Peter and him also seemed to click, Peter finding Harry increasingly easy to talk to, and actually interested in what he has to say. 

The room goes quiet for a second, and Peter looks up at MJ who’s stopped talking. 

Cindy stands up from her seat next to Michelle, and Peter turns to the clock. It’s already 5:00. 

“See you guys later!” Cindy sweeps out of the room, long black hair trailing behind her. 

Peter can see her glance at Harry and smile as she opens the door. Harry smiles back, and Peter tries to ignore the twisting in his gut. He’s not afraid to admit to himself that he’s attracted to Harry. Ned and MJ were right, but he doesn’t want to ruin the easy friendship they’ve fallen into. He’d rather just let the crush fade to spare both his friends and himself from losing someone like Harry.

Peter sighs and stands up, grabbing his things, and packing them into his bag. 

“Hey Pete, Ned and I were gonna go bother the hot dog vendors, and show Harry what New York is really about. Do you want to come with us?” MJ raises her eyebrows slightly, questioning.

“Sorry… I have the Stark internship today, maybe another time,” Peter feels bad about not being able to go, but he doesn’t want to keep Tony waiting on the first day of his new living arrangement.

Peter hurries to grab the rest of his books and quickly leaves the classroom. He really shouldn’t be late. He can’t let Tony down on his first real day of redemption.

“That’s still going on, is it?” Peter hears Michelle mumble as he’s leaving.

* * *

The ride to the compound is boring, and Happy apparently isn’t in the mood to make casual chit-chat. Peter tries to pry something out of him by talking about his first week of school, but Happy brushes him off with a “that’s great kid”, and then proceeds to turn the radio on. 

If Peter is bothered by the fact that Happy clearly doesn’t have a very high opinion of him because of what happened last year, he keeps it to himself. Saying something would only make things worse.

Peter looks out the window and watches the buildings fade into trees as they get closer to the compound. He saw Tony a couple weekends ago, but only for a brief Saturday night and Sunday morning; it was just to check in on how his first week back patrolling was going. Peter knows it was a subtle way of making sure he didn’t screw up again. 

Happy pulls up to the main building where all the residence is, and Tony walks up to the car. He taps on the window, and Happy rolls it down. 

“Thanks Hap, I’ll take it from here,” Tony sticks his head partially through the window and holds his sunglasses at the end of his nose to get a look at Peter in the back seat. 

Peter realizes a second too late that he already should’ve gotten out of the black Audi. He grabs his backpack, and duffel bag from the seat next to him and slinks out of the car to stand next to Tony. Happy speeds away almost the second he shuts the door. 

“I really thought Happy was coming around,” Peter says under his breath. 

“What’s that, kid?” Tony’s already walking towards the door of the building, and Peter quickly catches up with him. 

“Nothing… just talking to myself.” 

Tony gives him the side eye, but doesn’t push him further. Peter knows he doesn’t need to bother Tony with his issues.

They walk down a corridor that Peter’s been through a few times to get to the guest room he usually stays in. Tony passes it though, and Peter realizes he must be getting a more permanent set up now that he’s going to be staying for longer than just a night every few weeks. 

They go up some stairs, and Peter sees a kitchen, a table with some seating, and a living room sort of space all in an open concept area with large windows on one side. It looks amazing, but very empty, and Peter wonders where everybody is right now. 

Tony leads him down a hallway past the couches and swings open one of the many doors lining the walls. 

Tony holds out his hand, presenting the room, “This is you.” 

Peter steps in, jaw going slack at the state of the room. Its pristine and modern, with floor to ceiling windows making up the back wall, and a queen size bed that’s bigger than anything Peter has ever slept in in his life. 

“If you want any more storage, or something more personalized, just ask. It’s a bit empty for my tastes, but there’s plenty of space for a bigger desk, or a bookshelf, if that’s your thing.” 

Peter can hardly believe this is happening, and it takes a couple seconds for the initial excitement to wear off, and morph into something more unsavoury. 

He doesn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t even be here. 

“…So if you want to drop your stuff here I’ll give you the grand tour. You’ll have plenty of time to organize everything later.”

Peter knows he probably missed Tony saying something important, but he drops his bags by the foot of the bed, and doesn’t ask him to repeat himself. 

They go through the main areas of the building, Tony showing him where the gym is, where the research and medical section is, and finally where they have the labs. Bruce is down there, working on one of the computer screens, looking very immersed in his project. 

“If you ever want to come down here to work on something for your suit, or if you have any ideas in that noggin of yours, you’re welcome to claim a workspace,” Tony leads him to a desk with some tech on it, “This is some stuff I’m working on for your suit. I’ll show you how to tinker with it yourself so you can make your own mods.”

Peter’s insides are twisting, his brain flipping from excitement to guilt. Everything that Tony is giving him is amazing, and Peter knows he’ll be able to do so many things once he starts training like a superhero. He’ll have the opportunity to get better, to save more people. 

But he shouldn’t just be getting all this for doing nothing. For doing less than nothing. Failing. 

“You okay kid?” Tony puts a hand on his shoulder, but Peter flinches away involuntarily, his spider senses suddenly buzzing, though he’s fairly certain there’s no danger.

Tony drops the hand immediately, frowning.

“Sorry, I’m fine,” Peter takes a couple steps back from Tony, “I have some homework I should do before I get into all this.” 

Peter takes a couple more steps backwards before turning around and navigating his way back to the room he was given. 

He shuts the door and leans against it, sliding to the floor. Peter takes a couple deep breaths in, not knowing when he ran out of air. It’s like there’s a weight on his chest, and he can’t lift it.

His backpack buzzes, and Peter feels the weight lift a bit as he slowly moves towards the foot of the bed. He unzips the side pouch, and pulls his phone out of the pocket to look at the screen. 

_Are you back in the inner circle? -Ned_

Peter bites his lip, and the corner of his mouth turns up. He can always count on Ned to make situations like this seem smaller, not less important, but more manageable. 

_So far that’s what it looks like -Peter_

_Niicceee. Sneak me in sometime? -Ned_

_I’ll see what I can do -Peter_

He tosses his phone onto the bed and stands up, grabbing his backpack to put on the desk across from his bed. He wasn’t lying about the homework. Now wouldn’t be a bad time to review his Spanish notes.

* * *

When he cracks his door open again, he can hear voices coming from the living area he went through to get to his room. They’re low, and he can’t make out the words. It’s not too late, but the sun set about half an hour ago, so Peter figures he better make an appearance and maybe get something to eat.

He exits the hallway, and sees Tony and Rhody sitting on the couches, talking under a dim light. Tony stops talking when he notices Peter standing awkwardly at the edge of the room, and Rhody swivels to look at him. 

“Finished with your homework?” Tony stands up when Peter nods, “There’s some food in the fridge if you wanna heat it up?” 

Peter nods again. He doesn’t know why, but his voice doesn’t seem to work right now. There’s a tension in the air, and Peter feels it settling around them awkwardly. 

“How do you like it here Peter?” Rhody stands, finding a new place to sit at the kitchen island. 

“It’s…” Peter clears his throat, it’s dry and scratchy, “It’s amazing. I’m excited to get into training some more,” He turns to Tony now, “I’m sorry I took so long with my homework, things will even out a bit once all my classes really kick into gear. I was mostly doing review and stuff…”

“It’s all good. I don’t want you to get behind in your classes because of this new arrangement. Happy suggested you do some homework in the car on the way over here if you can. That would make good use of your time,” Tony pulls a container of what looks like some kind of stir fry out of the fridge and offers it to Peter.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. I should’ve done that today,” Peter takes the container and pops it open, mentally cursing himself for not thinking about that during the drive. 

Tony shows him where all the plates and cutlery are, and then Peter puts his plate into the microwave. “Speaking of Happy, he’s going to be working with Pepper for the next few months, so you’ll probably have a different driver take you to school in the morning.”

“Oh, okay,” Peter says, trying not to sound disappointed. 

After a few silent seconds, Peter can’t help but ask, “Where is everybody? I know I should know already, but I haven’t been in the loop for a while, so…” He’s been wondering since he got here. 

“Natasha, Cap, Barnes, and Sam are working on some legal stuff in the city, but they’ll be back by the end of the month,” Tony doesn’t elaborate, so Peter doesn’t ask about what the legal issues are exactly. 

He’s sure he’d know what’s going on with a quick google search, but he’ll save that for another time. 

“Bruce is still in the lab. He’s working on some new anaesthetic with Helen. You probably won’t see much of him until they’re finished,” Rhody chips in. 

Peter nods. “And the others…?” He almost feels like he shouldn’t be asking. 

“Other than the usual suspects, we don’t know,” Tony says, sounding guilty.

Peter regrets asking. He knows that despite Tony not really trusting him anymore, he would have told him about who he’s really asking about. Peter already knows that Thor is rebuilding Asgard in northern Canada where it’s mostly uninhabited, and the Guardians left to deal with some space stuff. He’s just worried about the others. Everyone took off pretty quick after the fight, and if Peter’s being honest with himself, he can hardly remember anything that happened within a couple days of the event. Wanda, Vision, Clint, and Stephen are all in the wind, as well as Scott and Hope, and the fact that Tony can’t pinpoint their locations is a bit distressing. 

The microwave beeps, and Peter is thankful for a break in the tense conversation he started. He sits down next to Rhody, and Tony starts up with a business plan for how Peter can spend his time at the compound. 

Peter can feel fatigue start to eat at his focus (he still hasn’t been sleeping very well) but he manages to keep up with what Tony is saying. 

At least he hasn’t completely lost Tony’s trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please leave any comments and constructive criticism you may have! There's always room for improvement.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting into it aha, hope you guys like this one!

_Peter stumbles forward, he’s fading, he can feel it. He can’t do this again… not again, not again, not again._

_Peter looks down at his hands, knowing what this is, and then up to Tony’s face. He can’t speak this time, as much as he wants to say something, apologize, scream, anything._

_Peter collapses into Tony’s arms, his legs weak underneath him. He just watched everybody else go, and he couldn’t do anything about it. Peter isn’t ready, he’d thought he was safe. He can’t go like this, not again, not again, not again._

_He clings to Tony, grasping for anything to keep him grounded. Tony holds him, seeming to be clinging onto him like it will change something, but it’s not enough. It’s never enough. It never will be enough._

_Peter tries to say something, but he still can’t speak. He’s dying, and he still can’t do anything about it, not this time, not last time, never._

_He’s sobbing, tears blurring his vision. He collapses to the ground, dragging Tony down with him._

_The sky is so red. Why is everything always red? He tries to drag air into his lungs, but there’s nothing. He’s still sobbing, and he can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t do this again._

_His eyes meet Tony’s, and Peter knows he’s let him down. He’s always letting him down. If he could’ve just done what he was told, he wouldn’t be killing Tony by disappearing in front of him. He can see the way Tony’s face is twisting through pain, and then disgust._

_Peter tries to whisper out an apology, but only a faint puff of air makes it out._

_He tries not to see what’s above him, but he can’t look at Tony’s face anymore, not with the pained expression that just won’t shift. Red sky flashes above him. He’s not in his body anymore, he’s dying, he’s dying, he can’t stop it._

Peter slams his hand down on a hard surface, and shoots up out of his seat, now standing. It’s bright, and he can feel himself breathing heavily. His hand is shaking at his side. Everything comes into focus, and he can see confused faces looking at him.

“What are you doing?” Ned whispers beside him, looking just as confused as everybody else. 

Peter’s gaze falls to the front of the room, and his history teacher is looking at him, probably wanting an explanation. 

“I’m going to the bathroom!” 

Before anyone can say anything, Peter bolts out of the classroom. He’s disoriented, and having trouble catching his breath, and his damn hands won’t stop shaking. 

When things slowly come back into focus, Peter finds himself huddled in the corner of a hallway, wedged between a vending machine and a trash can. The lights are bright, and white, and there’s lockers lining the walls. Nothing like… he was dreaming. Peter was dreaming _in class._

He curses himself for being stupid enough to let himself doze off in class. He was just so tired, and the room was warm, and Ned was next to him, and for once he didn’t feel like he was on edge. Perfect sleeping conditions. 

Footsteps from a ways away remind Peter where he is for a second time, and he takes in a deep breath. He can’t lose control like that again, especially not in school. The footsteps get closer, and he looks up to see if he’s in trouble. 

“Peter…?” Harry slows his walk, and changes his course to walk towards him.

Peter feels a bubble of anxiety in his chest start to build as Harry gets closer. He doesn’t want to scare him off. Peter doesn’t think he can handle Harry making fun of him either. Peter stands up slowly. His legs feel weak and shaky, so he leans against the wall. 

“Ned texted me. He said you ran out of class. Are you okay?” Harry stands a little ways back from Peter, worry written all over his face. 

Peter doesn’t know why Harry would care so much. They met like a week and a half ago. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Peter glances at the trash can next to him, “I was just feeling sick, and I didn’t think I would make it to the bathroom in time, so I stopped here,”

Harry’s face softens, but doesn’t lose the crease between his brow, “But you’re fine now.” it doesn’t sound like Harry is asking a question, but there’s still something in the air. 

“We should probably get back to class…” Peter pushes himself away from the wall. His legs still feel a bit jello-like, but they’re supporting him properly now.

“Nah,” Harry looks down at his phone, “There’s only like half an hour left before class ends anyway. I’ll just ask MJ and Ned to grab our stuff and meet us outside.”

Peter thinks of declining, but some fresh air sounds good, and he can’t say no to some bonding time with Harry. He nods, and they start down the hall. 

If Harry notices that Peter was three halls from his original classroom, and there was a bathroom between there and where he landed, he doesn’t mention it.

* * *

They’re sitting on a bench near the edge of the schoolyard. Peter allowed Harry to tug him along until he was satisfied with their distance from the school. It was a sweet gesture. Peter’s fairly certain that Harry thinks he was having a panic attack or something earlier. That’s not what it was—it can’t have been. He’s never had problems with anxiety before other than the usual jitters before a class presentation or something… or of course when he’s gone out on some more stressful trips as Spiderman.

The silence wasn’t bothering Peter, but when Harry speaks up, it’s not unwanted. “I’ve never stayed at any school very long.”

Peter turns his head to look at Harry, not sure how to respond. He’s mostly stayed in the same place his whole life, never having a reason to move around, really.

Harry must take his silence as a cue to go on. “Went to boarding school in England for a few years, then moved through a couple states; I lived in California for awhile, Illinois, Pennsylvania,” Harry turns to face Peter now, “Started in New York though.” 

Peter’s heart thuds in his chest, and only when he blinks does he realize that he’s been staring at Harry longer than he should have been. He coughs a little and tears his eyes away, focusing on the clouds rolling past the nearest buildings. 

Harry doesn’t look away though, and Peter can feel his cheeks start to heat up. Now is not the time for his body to betray him like this. It’s already done enough of that today. 

Peter’s stomach lurches a little bit at the reminder of what happened earlier, and while he really doesn’t want to think about it, at least he’s not so focused on Harry anymore. Now that he thinks about it though, Harry did a really good job of taking his mind off of everything. It makes him wonder if Harry’s been through something himself that gave him the knowledge to deal with… situations—Peter’s brain can’t seem to supply the right word for what happened. 

“I’ve never asked you much about before I met you, have I?” The question is rhetorical, and he says it as more of a statement. And it’s true. Peter doesn’t know much about Harry; they’ve mostly only talked about the basics like video games, and how classes are going, and maybe just the latest school gossip. 

“No,” Harry sighs, “I haven’t really offered much though. I don’t really like talking about myself to be honest. People just seem to hear my name and think of my dad, with all the success he’s had, and stuff. I guess I’ve never really been able to get away from it though. I mostly traveled with him while he was expanding, and the only real time I was away was when I went to boarding school.” 

Peter suddenly realizes that Harry is the son of Norman Osborn, the literal CEO of Oscorp. He has no idea why he didn’t connect the dots earlier. It should have been obvious the second he learned his last name.

“Well, it’s not like you chose to be his son. People shouldn’t judge you for his accomplishments,” Peter says lamely—he’s too tired to analyze how cliché that sounded, so he attempts to say something that sounds a little less stupid, “I guess… I mean it seems like when you say you don’t like talking about yourself, you’re really saying you don’t like talking about your connection to your dad’s business. I’m pretty sure there’s more to you than that. I think I’d like to hear about the actual you.”

Peter mentally smacks himself for amending his original statement with something so sappy sounding. When he looks over at Harry though, he’s chewing on his lip, looking a little lost in thought. Maybe he wasn’t listening to what Peter said. It’s probably better that way. 

“Would you—” Harry starts, but is cut off by the bell ringing.

When the chime stops, Peter asks Harry what he was going to say, but he brushes it off and says it wasn’t important. 

“Are you two delinquents done conspiring?” Ned calls out from behind them, and Peter swivels so he can take his backpack. 

“Actually we were just working out the details of our next bank robbery. Care to join our party?”

“You’re looking at a professional guy-in-the-chair,” Ned grins, “I’m the Wade to your Kim and Ron.”

It takes a second for Peter to get the reference, but he smiles and agrees with the statement. Then he and Harry bicker over who gets to be Kim Possible because she’s the more badass of the two. Ned eventually ends the dispute by saying MJ would obviously be Kim, Peter would be Ron, and Harry can be Rufus. Harry argues a bit about being pegged as the naked mole rat, but gives in when Ned says he can be Monique if he’s gonna get his knickers in a knot. 

Peter forgoes his patrol tonight because despite what he wants to think about himself, he’s still a bit shaken up over what happened in class, and he isn’t really in the mood to decline his friends’ offer of going to see a movie. He’s been neglecting them a bit, and decides he should really be trying harder to spend more time with his friends outside of class.

* * *

“No patrol tonight?” Tony asks innocently when Peter finally climbs the stairs to the living room.

Peter doesn’t meet his eyes. “No… my friends really wanted me to come out, and I haven’t spent much time with them these days, so I thought it would be okay to have a break.” 

Tony sighs, and Peter braces himself for Tony’s disappointment that he didn’t do what he said he would. “You know you don’t _need _to constantly be in the suit. You’re still in high school, last I checked, and it would be unfair of anyone to expect you to give up everything for your day job… or, night job in your case.”__

Even though Tony doesn’t sound angry or disappointed, Peter still feels his chest tighten. “I guess.”

Tony pats the seat next to him, and Peter swallows, his throat suddenly dry. He doesn’t know when he started feeling nervous around him, but he desperately wants the feeling to stop. Peter’s always wound so tightly when he’s near Tony, and it feels like one of these days he’s going to explode and do something that’ll ruin his carefully mended relationship with him and his team. 

Peter sits on the edge of the couch, not wanting to sit back in case he needs to spring back up. There’s no logical reason he’d need to escape or anything right now, but he’s noticed he tends to subconsciously position himself in a way that makes it easy to dive into action should the occasion call for it. No situation in the month he’s been back as Spiderman has actually called for it, but it makes him feel a bit more in control, so he doesn’t make an effort to change the habit. 

“I noticed you turned Karen off awhile ago.”

“I did,” Peter can feel Tony’s eyes on him, but he keeps his gaze locked forward.

The silence stretches, and Peter knows Tony wants him to elaborate. But he won’t. He doesn’t have anything to say about it really. She was there in his ear while he was… fighting, and hearing her voice is a little too much for him. He can’t say that to Tony though. He wouldn’t let Peter continue if he knew he couldn’t even handle an AI meant to make life _easier_. 

Tony’s hand ghosts over his chest, and Peter isn’t sure it’s a conscious movement. It makes sense though, he’s feeling for something that was there for so long. Something that kept him alive for all those years. 

“You know—” Tony cuts himself off, and when Peter glances at his face his lips are pressed together, his eyes closed, “How was school this week? Didn’t get a chance to ask you yesterday.” 

Peter lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding, grateful for the change of topic, only to start thinking about what happened during last block, “It was fine,” his voice isn’t as steady as he needs it to be, and he can only hope Tony doesn’t pick up on the waver it’s taken on.

Tony pauses for a second, and Peter knows he isn’t stupid. He knows something is wrong. Peter wishes he knew what to say. He could talk about the nightmares, and the way he’s always a little too aware of what’s going on in the room, or even the way he’s started to feel anxious when he’s in the cafeteria at school, or in the halls when theres a rush of students streaming past him. But he can’t. 

“I’m sorta tired from the week though, so do you mind if I head to bed a bit early?” Peter stares at the floor, “I guess I’m still getting used to being back in class all day.”

“No problem, kid, I’ll see you tomorrow morning though. Be ready bright and early for some hand to hand with me in the ring.”

“Yeah,” Peter stands up, pulling his bag up onto his shoulder, “I’ll be ready at seven.” 

Even though he didn’t go out on patrol, he’s exhausted. The sleepless nights, and the guilt over keeping things from Tony have piled up; the distraction his friends gave him this afternoon has worn off, and Peter feels like he’s being hit by a wave, having the life knocked out of him.

When he falls into bed, he doesn’t have the energy to strip out of his jeans and button down shirt. He doesn’t even have the energy to care about the nightmares that are likely to hit the second he closes his eyes. He’s just too tired.

* * *

“Are you up to go out in the field again?” Tony stands in the door behind Peter, not actually stepping into the room. 

Peter puts down the tools he was using to fix a small bug in one of his web-shooter functions. He didn’t realize it was morning, but he couldn’t sleep (what else is new?) and has all weekend to try and catch up on his sleep anyway. 

He swivels the chair around to face Tony, and sees him looking… scared, or maybe just cautious; Peter can’t really tell how Tony is feeling most of the time. Peter figures it’s best to just assume the worst though, so he isn’t disappointed, or thrown off guard when it really ends up being something bad. 

“Is it far? I have a chem lab I need to be there for on Monday,” Peter brushes some dust off his jeans, “But I’m ready to go. Patrol has been pretty uneventful lately, and I really feel like I can be doing more.”

Tony’s expression shifts to something Peter doesn’t recognize, but he can only assume Tony is hesitating to let him back in the field properly. He has good reasons. Peter knows he should’ve done better before. He can prove that now though, as long as Tony doesn’t change his mind about the offer. 

“We’re taking down another Hydra base. This one is mostly empty, but it still needs to be done. We’ll be back by tomorrow morning at the latest, so you don’t need to be worried about missing school.”

“Who’s _we_?” Peter assumes its Tony and Rhody, but he doesn’t want to say unless he’s wrong. 

“Cap is back with Barnes, and they want to clean the rest of them up asap.”

Peter perks up a bit at the thought of seeing Steve and James again, “They’re here now?”

Tony shakes his head, “But they’re gonna meet us there tonight, and then they’ll most likely come back here with us… unless we pick up on another base,” Tony mumbles out a comment about Hydra always finding a way to reappear no matter how many stations they take down, but Peter isn’t really listening anymore. 

For the first time since, and maybe not even, meeting Harry on the first day of school, Peter feels a spark in his chest. He’s going to be able to help people again. He’s not going have his abilities go to waste.

“When do we leave?” 

“You have half an hour to get ready and suit up. One of my guys is gonna drive you, and I’m flying ahead to scope out the joint. You’ll fly back with Cap and Barnes though, if that’s alright with you?”

Peter feels strange about Tony constantly asking him if he’s alright with things. It’s not limited to Spiderman stuff either, he’s always asking if he’s alright with sparring, or working on his suit by himself, or when he had to go with a different driver to get to school because Happy was busy. It doesn’t sit well with him—it’s like Tony wants Peter to say he can’t handle something. Maybe he’s looking for an excuse to take him off the team. Maybe… Peter doesn’t want to think about it. He’s not going to admit to anything in any case, so he doesn’t need to worry about it. And he’s not going to give Tony a reason to worry about it either. 

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Peter is actually more than fine with this arrangement. He’s always wanted to spend some more time with James and that metal arm; see two living legends in a situation that doesn’t actually involve combat.

* * *

When he meets up with Tony, they have to trek through some trees before they reach the base. It looks more like an old abandoned warehouse, but Tony knows what he’s doing, so he doesn’t doubt there’s more to it on the inside. 

Tony starts to brief him on his job in the takedown while they wait, but Peter suddenly feels his spider senses going through the roof. 

He spins around, ready to spring up and out of the way of danger, when he sees two familiar faces partially distorted by the shadows. 

“Nice of you boys to finally show up,” Tony’s metallic voice teases. 

“It’s not like we could just park the jet on top of the warehouse,” James defends.

“We ready to go?” Steve interjects before the other two can get going with anymore banter. 

“Take us through the plan, Cap,” Tony says, back to business. 

Peter’s job is easy, really. Scout ahead, and report back anything he sees. Peter’s good at sneaking around, unnoticed, so it should go through without a hitch. Once they’ve taken everyone down, Peter can join the crew and they’ll lock down the base until they can get some of Tony’s guys in to dismantle everything.

Tony pops open the lock to one of the side doors, and Peter slips in. Steve and James jog around to take out anyone on the perimeter, and Tony flies up to the roof to set up some tech to shut down their power. 

The hall Peter is slinking through is deserted, and he starts to wonder if this is actually some sort of test Mr. Stark set up to see if he really does have what it takes to be an Avenger. He brushes the thought away, because even if it does have merit, it doesn’t really matter; he still has to do his job.

His hair stands on end, and Peter senses someone around the corner. He crawls his way up the to the ceiling, slowly making his way around the corner. Someone in a black suit with a gas mask on walks below him, oblivious to Peter.

Once he’s out of earshot, Peter reports back to Tony, who tells him to be careful in case the joint ends up being toxic. His suit minimally filters his air, but it’s not foolproof like the Iron Man suit. Cons of choosing not to have full armour, Peter figures. 

Peter drops back down to the floor, and quickly makes his way forward. He reports all the locked doors to Tony, and tells him about the few other people he passes by. The place looks pretty empty. Tony tells him that once he finds out where the main operation is, he’s going to shut down the place, and they can start kicking some ass. 

He finally makes it to a set of glass doors, and he can see a chamber acting as a buffer between the main building, and whatever’s inside the room. Peter’s just about to ask Tony what he should do next when the fluorescent lights start to flicker. 

“Tony, is this you?” Peter rushes out. 

“No, you need to get out of there. There’s so—” Tony’s voice cuts out, and the hall goes completely dark. 

Peter scrambles back the way he came, trying not to panic. He can feel his heart rate steadily rising, and his breath is shallow. He’s having trouble exhaling, and he feels like the dark is closing in on him. 

He slams into something and is knocked back. The figure now standing over him reaches to his side to unclip his gun, but Peter pulls himself together fast enough to send a net of webbing around him. The guy hits the wall, and sticks. Peter doesn’t waste any time shooting back up and sprinting the rest of the way to the door. 

Fresh air hits him, and he sucks in, letting his ribcage expand. He doesn’t have time to think about the compression of his binder before all the air is forced out of his lungs again as he’s grabbed around the middle and pulled up over the trees.

Tony drops him down in a small clearing, and Peter doesn’t have time to say anything before Tony is flying back to the warehouse. 

“Stay there, kid.” Tony doesn’t even bother explaining. 

“I can help… Mr. Stark. Don’t leave me here…” Peter’s throat closes, and he can’t speak. 

“Steve, what’s the plan?” Tony ignores Peter. 

“We’re inside. The power’s out, and everyone in here seems to be panicking. Someone else is here. Get inside and help us round up the Hydra agents, and we can deal with the vigilante later,” Steve commands, voice unwavering. 

Peter feels himself calming down somewhat at the sound of Steve’s voice, strong and sure.

“Peter, stay outside, and take down anybody who tries to leave,” Steve orders. 

Peter is already running back towards the base, “Will do, boss.” 

When he gets back to the warehouse, there’s a jeep speeding out of the large door at the back. Peter dives forwards, shooting a web out to pull him towards the vehicle. He latches onto the back and fires some webbing at the back tires to at least slow the car down. It’s swerving now, and Peter ducks as the back windshield gets shot out. Glass flies, and in a split second decision, he grabs one of the hanging shards and digs it into one of the tires. 

The jeep jolts, but keeps going, and Peter rolls through the back windshield and into the trunk space where several black, armoured boxes are stacked. Peter dodges two more gunshots, courtesy of the man riding shotgun.

He levers himself feet first into the passenger, pinning him to the door. The driver whips out a gun, but Peter swings out of the way with the door, throwing the passenger onto the gravel road. Peter shoots a web to disable the drivers gun hand, and then dives into him, forcing the driver’s door open with the impact. 

They tumble out of the vehicle, and Peter takes a couple punches before fully roping him up with webbing. He drags him over to the injured passenger, and ties them together, leaving them on the road while he runs back to the base to make sure no other stragglers are trying to escape. 

When he gets back to the building, Steve and Bucky are jogging towards him, and Tony is descending slowly just ahead of Peter. 

“What happened!?” Peter looks up at Tony, because while he’s mostly talking in a general sense, he’s also talking about the fact that Tony dropped him off and told him not to fight. 

“There was an enhanced waiting for something like this to happen. We couldn’t stop him because he knew what our priority was.” Steve retracts his shield. 

“At least we took out the base. Looks like nobody got away,” James says, glancing at Steve with pursed lips.

“Yeah, but now we have a new problem on our hands.” Tony’s mask peels away. 

“Tony—” Steve starts, but Tony cuts him off. 

“I can take it from here. Take the kid home.” 

Steve stares at Tony, brows furrowed. James puts a hand on his shoulder, and whispers something into his ear. Steve nods, and turns to Peter. 

“C’mon, lets go,” Steve says to Peter.

* * *

_How was the mission?? -Ned_

_It was fine, Mr. Stark seemed pissed off though.. idk what happened really -Peter_

_How was finally getting to talk to the winter soldier !? -Ned_

_We didn’t really talk :( They were in the cockpit the whole time, and I had to sit alone in the cabin. Tbh I just really wanna see that arm up close -Peter_

_You gotta send me pics -Ned_

_Will do, maybe tomorrow. I’ll see if they’re still around in the morning -Peter_

_you da best -Ned_

_:):):) -Peter_

Peter tosses his phone onto the bed, and stands up to stretch. He checks himself out in his mirror. 

He looks… not good. 

There’s purple bags under his eyes, and his hair is greasy and slicked down onto his forehead. He desperately needs a haircut. Peter has a passing thought about shaving his head, but knows that’s probably not his best idea. 

He gets closer to the mirror and inspects his face. There’s a bit of stubble coming in on his chin and above his lip. He smiles vaguely at that. He shaved a month ago, but before that, it took him at least three months to get to this stage. 

He gathers some sweats and a baggy t-shirt, and makes his way to the bathroom. It’s been just him using it since he moved in, and Peter wonders if there’s another bathroom for Steve and James, or if they even have rooms in the same area as him. 

His questions are partially answered when Steve quietly opens the door across the hall, and turns around, looking surprised for a second. 

“Uhh, hi Captain… sir.” Peter mentally face palms. 

“Steve is fine,” Steve’s lips quirk up in a half smile, “Peter, right? You did good out there.” 

“Yes, I’m Peter,” He silently begs for death, “thanks… it was cool working with you guys.”

“So you’re living here full time?” Steve leans against the wall.

Peter hugs his clothes to his stomach, crossing his arms around his torso, “No, I mean, not full time. Just Thursday to Monday,” Peter rocks back on his heels, “I still have school and stuff too, so I’m not really around during the day.”

Steve shakes his head a little, “Tony’s starting ‘em off young, isn’t he?” He pushes off the wall, glancing at Peter’s clothes, clutched to his stomach, “Sorry, I’m keeping you from something.”

“Uhh, yeah. I was gonna take a shower,” Peter’s suddenly aware of how disgusting he looks right now, in front of Captain America, “I’ll, uhh, get to that…”

Peter slinks into the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it. Well, it wasn’t the worst fourth impression he could’ve made with the guy. 

When he gets back into his room after his shower, his phone lights up with a notification.

_go vote on my insta poll, very important stuff -Harry_

Peter clicks onto instagram, and scrolls to find Harry’s story. He clicks through a couple photos of him at at a party from last night before getting to the poll. Peter ignores the fact that one of the photos was of him and Cindy. They look like they were having fun. Peter is happy for both of them.

The photo in the background is just a stock image of a chicken, and the poll reads:

**Should I Get A Haircut ??**

**Yes : No**

Peter thinks for a moment. Harry’s hair is just growing out of a tapered undercut, but Peter kinda likes the way it’s headed. He clicks ‘no’. Peter’s apparently with the minority.

_Very important indeed -Peter_

_you and Ned share the same opinion, but MJ doesn’t agree -Harry_

_You’ve got a tough decision to make then. Go with MJ, or face the consequences -Peter_

_lol yeah -Harry_

_Did you prep for the chem lab yet? -Peter_

_no, I wasn’t really feeling it today, I guess I should get on that. did you finish it? -Harry_

_Yeah, did it last night to get it over with -Peter_

_that’s what you did last night? instead of coming out with us?? -Harry_

_I had the Stark internship, I finished my lab on the ride there.. Sorry -Peter_

_you should come out more often, I haven’t seen you at one party this year ;) -Harry_

_Idk, I just haven’t been feeling it lately. Been tired. Also, I don’t get invited half the time -Peter_

_I formally invite you to every party I’m invited to as my permanent plus 1 -Harry_

_Gee thanks -Peter_

The conversation ends, and Peter can’t keep the winking face out of his head. What did Harry mean by that? In any case, Peter knows it’s probably a bad idea for him to go out and party every other weekend. Tony would probably frown upon the idea. On the other hand, it might be nice to forget about his problems for a little while, and get to see his friends outside of the usual decathlon meetings and shared classes.

Peter rolls into bed, truly worn out. He closes his eyes and lets himself drift off, thinking about Harry, and how it would be really nice to see him more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As per usual, please comment and critique! Updates weekly


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how on time I've been with putting up new chapters. I'm actually kinda proud of myself aha. I'm super excited for the next couple chapters, but please enjoy this one!

Unfortunately, no matter how comfortable he makes himself before he tries to sleep, Peter just can’t stop the nightmares. There’s a couple that seem to run through every time, and even though he knows they’re just dreams, he’s still terrified. 

The not sleeping is really catching up to him. Peter is actually kinda surprised how long he’s managed to stay functional without his usual seven hours (give or take). He figures the whole Spiderman thing is probably helping him out, but even with his abilities, he can only last so long. 

He’s noticed that, with increasing frequency, he’s been spacing out, and unable to remember important information. He once even broke off in the middle of a sentence and just sorta zoned out until a very concerned Ned grabbed him by the shoulders. It took a bit, but Peter managed to convince him that he was okay, and that he didn’t need to go home or to the doctor or anything. 

Aside from that, Peter has really noticed a decline in the speed of his reflexes. Last Monday during his chem lab he knocked a beaker off the edge of his table, and even though he went to grab it, the glass ended up shattering. Maybe that would’ve been normal for pre spider-bite-Peter, but not for now-Peter. It’s almost like being drunk, but not in the good way. It’s like he’s not fully present, and it’s scary.

Peter can’t tell anyone though. He’ll be taken off the Avengers team for sure, and he needs to stay on the team. He can’t lose his suit again. Peter can’t let everyone down. He doesn’t want to be responsible for letting something happen that he could’ve stopped. 

“Have a good day at school, kid,” One of the drivers Tony’s employed calls back to him as he pushes himself out of the vehicle. 

Peter mumbles out a thanks, and rubs his eyes to clear his head. He’s doing okay right now. Usually he’s not super tired in the mornings, but that’s starting to mean less and less as the days go on. 

“You look rough,” Harry gives him a once over, “What happened this weekend?”

Peter runs a hand through his hair (still too long), not really in the mood to talk—even to Harry. “I was up late working.” 

“If you wanna ditch and take a nap or something, I can give you the notes for today.” Harry looks genuinely concerned, and Peter second guesses what he saw in the mirror this morning.

He thought he looked okay; he’s just wearing a sweatshirt and his usual jeans. He’s slouching though, because he’s wearing one of his more stretched out binders. Maybe that, and the purple under his eyes that he can’t seem to get rid of are combining to create the full effect of ‘Peter looks like death’. His demeanour probably isn’t helping either

“No,” He says after a long second, “I’ll be fine.”

He shuts his locker, and Harry walks him to his calculus class before slipping into his own classroom across the hall after glancing back worriedly at Peter. Peter didn’t have to look to know that. He could feel Harry’s eyes on him, and it puts him on edge. He feels extra self conscious for the rest of class, making sure to slouch and make himself look generally smaller and less noticeable. 

By the time lunch rolls around, Peter is no longer ‘fine’. When Harry sees him again, the look of worry comes back, and Peter is suddenly irritated. It’s none of Harry’s business if he did or didn’t sleep last night, and it’s definitely not his business to fix it. 

Peter slams his bag down in front of him, and slumps onto the bench. 

“Who pissed in your cornflakes?” MJ asks, wrinkling her nose at his behaviour. 

The anger drains as fast as it came, and now he’s just kind of done. “Sorry,” He mumbles, “I’m just tired.” He drops his head onto the table to accentuate the point, cradling it in the crook of his elbow. 

He looks up at Michelle, silently willing her to help him, even though he knows she can’t. “There, there.” She pats him on the hand a couple times before going back to the wrap she was eating before. 

“Are you gonna get lunch, Pete?” Ned asks him as he sits down with a tray. 

Peter mumbles out a no, and Ned offers him some of his own stuff. 

In the past Peter has foregone lunches because he and May couldn’t afford it, and he eventually confided in Ned when he started asking questions about why he didn’t eat every day. 

Peter’s been doing okay with money lately though. May has been taking extra shifts to get some extra cash, but generally they’re still doing fine. Peter is also finding odd jobs here and there, and he’s been selling some select video footage of Spiderman to several interested Youtube channels. “No, m’just not hungry.”

His friends eventually stop trying to interact with him when he can only mumble out one word answers. 

When the bell rings, Peter sighs and pushes himself up off the table. They’re doing volleyball in gym, so there’s not really a hazard if Peter doesn’t fully pay attention. He moves to walk with the gang when Harry grabs his elbow. 

Peter flinches at first, whipping around, but when he comes face to face with Harry he relaxes. 

Harry moves his hand so he’s got a firm, yet gentle grip of Peter’s bicep, and Peter relaxes into the touch. It makes him feel slightly more grounded. Some of the haze in his head fades, and his vision sharpens as he looks at Harry, confused.

Harry stares at him for a long second. “Yeah, we’re not going to gym class today.”

“What?”

“Here, come with me,” Harry leads him out of the cafeteria, and down the hall, away from the locker rooms. 

When they get to the side doors of the school, leading out to the park, Harry lets go of his arm and pushes the door open. Peter tries not to feel the lingering warmth of his hand.

The sun hits Peter, and he squints for a second before his eyes adjust to the light. It’s still mildly warm out despite it being mid October. For a second he wonders if Harry’s answer to everything is to just go outside, and Peter cracks a smile at the thought of Harry seeking out open fields and parks in all the different places he’s lived.

They round the corner of the school, and walk down the sidewalk to the Park behind the school. Harry takes them over to a tree and plunks himself down in the shade. Peter lowers himself slowly, sitting crosslegged, but in the sun. He doesn’t want to get cold, and his jacket is in his locker, so it would be a bit of a hassle to go back inside after they’ve already left.

“You don’t have to take care of me, you know.” Peter rests his chin in his hand. 

“Well, you don’t seem to want to do it yourself,” Harry drawls, “Somebody has to do it.”

Peter would normally take a comment like that as an insult… or at least it would make him a bit insecure, but the way Harry said it was almost playful, and not in the least bit pitying. 

There’s a beat of silence, and Peter wants to say something. He just doesn’t know what. Harry has been so _nice_ to him since they became friends, and it makes Peter wonder if that’s just who he is, or if it means something more. Maybe Peter’s noticed that Harry is different around MJ and Ned, but he’s been crediting that to the fact that Harry has simply had more opportunity to spend time with Peter. Now that he thinks about it though, Harry does have calculus with Michelle, and Ned’s texted him about hanging out with Harry and playing video games. Compared to that, he’s spent about the same amount of time with him as the others. 

“You could try and sleep if you want…” Harry says timidly, and when Peter looks back up at him, his expression is almost scared, “I can just do the chem work we got assigned today, make sure nobody comes out here and gives us detention for skipping?” 

Peter shudders at the thought of sleeping with Harry near him. What if he has a nightmare, and freaks out when he wakes up? He flops onto his back, sighing. The sun is warming his skin, and the sky is so blue. The colour makes him… calm for some reason. 

“Okay,” Peter says quietly, before he can think better of it. 

Harry tosses him the sweater he just pulled off. “Cover your eyes with that, or use it as a pillow or something… if you want.” 

“Thanks,” Peter rolls to his side, adjusting the sweater so it’s both covering his eyes, and bundled up under his head. 

He takes a slow breath in. It smells like Harry. Some kind of rich, but sweet cologne, and something entirely belonging to Harry. It’s fitting. 

When Peter closes his eyes, he’s feeling safe. The sun is warm, and Harry is sitting next to him keeping watch. Even though Harry is just a normal kid, Peter trusts him, maybe more than he should. 

The sky is blue, and Peter wouldn’t have it any other way.

* * *

“… gets intense sometimes, and he can’t just say no.” Peter isn’t fully awake yet, but he’s hearing voices, so something must be happening around him. 

Voices… shit. Peter bolts up to a sitting position, whipping the sweater off his face, heart pounding, and every inch of him ready to fight. 

But there’s nothing to fight. It’s just Ned; he’s explaining something to Harry based on the tail end of whatever it was Peter heard. He can only assume Ned was talking about him. It makes him a bit uneasy, but he knows Ned would never out him… in _any_ sense of the word. 

Both Harry and Ned had jumped and turned to look at him when he sat up, and now they’re looking at him with concerned faces. Peter doesn’t really want to explain why he woke up so paranoid… Peter doesn’t even know why he is so paranoid. So maybe he just forgot where he was, and freaked out a bit. It’s nothing to worry about. 

“What time is it?” He rubs one of his eyes, now seeing a few people milling around the park.

Harry checks his watch _(his watch!?)._ “It’s like four now.”

There’s a moment where Peter’s mind goes blank, and then it shifts into overdrive. “You let me sleep for _four hours_!?” He’s not yelling, but he’s upset, “You should’ve woken me up to get to fifth. I can’t miss class—I can’t… he’s gonna—he’s gonna know, an—and… I’m not…”

Peter’s spiralling nonsense is shut down by Harry kneeling in front of him, lightly gripping his shoulders. “Breathe, it’s okay. Just breathe Peter.” 

He sucks in a shaky breath, but it comes back out a wet sob. When did he start crying? Peter tries to breathe again, but now he’s shaking, and Harry is seeing this, and…

“We’re okay, it’s just me and Ned here. You’re safe,” Harry’s voice is soft.

“Hey Pete,” Ned kneels next to Harry, “Do you remember when we finished the Lego Death Star?”

A flash of memories run through his head. Everything was so simple back then, maybe not easier, but more straightforward. 

He nods.

“Do you still have it hung up in your room?” Peter’s voice is weak, and shaky.

“Of course!” Ned exclaims quietly, “I see it every day.”

“We had a lot of fun that year.” Peter tries to smile, but his face isn’t really cooperating. 

“Yeah. That’s when we started talking to MJ,” Ned lets out a small laugh, “She thought we were such losers.”

“She still thinks that,” Peter actually smiles now, “But it’s kinda true.”

“Did you still want me to come over to your place this afternoon?” Ned asks, standing back up.

Peter almost forgot that he and Ned were planning on hanging out at his place to finish Peter’s go of Twilight Princess. “Yeah, of course. Need to finish up before we can start Breath of the Wild.”

“Did you wanna head out now, or hang out here for a bit?” Ned asks, glancing over at Harry for a millisecond.

Peter chews on his lip, and looks at Ned, hoping he gets the message of ‘Harry and I are just friends and that’s all we’ll ever be’. He’s not sure it gets through though.

“Yeah, we should probably get going now…” Peter glances up at Harry, “Did you wanna come over too? I know I already asked you earlier, but I don’t know if something changed… you’d probably get bored just watching me fail the final boss over and over.”

Harry shakes his head. “I have dinner with my dad. He’s home tonight, and I probably won’t see him for awhile after this.”

“Okay.” Peter stands, his legs feeling weak, and his head still a bit cloudy. 

He awkwardly starts walking in the direction of his bus, and mumbles a short goodbye to Harry before Ned starts following him, looking concerned. 

“Are you okay?” Ned says, then immediately amends the question, “No, I know when you’re not okay, and this is what it looks like. Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Peter hikes his backpack further up his shoulder. “Not really…” He glances at Ned. “I don’t know.”

The messed up thing is that even though Peter has always been able to trust Ned, his head is still screaming at him not to. It almost feels as strong as his spider senses, but the fact that his rational brain knows it doesn’t make sense makes it different.

Peter closes his eyes for a second, his chest starting to get tight again. If he doesn’t say anything now, he’s definitely not saying anything later. 

“I’vebeenhavingnightmares,” He blurts out in a rushed whisper. It’s not the whole story, but it’ll do. 

Ned pauses a second, and Peter suspects he’s either trying to figure out what Peter actually said, or he’s just taking some time to think out a response that won’t freak him out again. Maybe both. Peter doesn’t blame him though. He can admit to himself that he’s been a bit unpredictable lately. It’s shitty, and he doesn’t understand what’s going on with him, and it’s messing with him more than he’d like to let on, but Peter knows he deserves it. He’s failed everyone too many times not to have some consequences in the grand scheme of things. He’s been thrown obstacle after obstacle, and Peter knows he’s screwed up so many times that the universe is probably against him now. 

“Do they have to do with the fight you won’t tell me about?” Ned asks carefully, keeping his tone light.

“Yeah,” Peter says, “But I’ll get over it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe it would help—” Ned starts, but Peter knows what he’s going to say, and he doesn’t want to hear it.

“Just forget about it. That’s what I’m trying to do, so you should too.” It comes out harsher than Peter wanted it to, and he curses himself for talking to Ned like that. He doesn’t deserve Peter’s shit. 

But Peter isn’t lying. He just wants to _forget._ He want’s to pretend it never happened. He wants to be able to go the whole day without remembering that he let everyone down. That he let Tony down. That he failed again, and nearly broke the one person that was giving him a shot. That he didn’t stay dead, and leave everyone better off for it. 

The last thought comes, sending a little jolt of shock through Peter. He doesn’t really want to die. No. But would it have been the worst thing…?

Ned stays silent for the whole ride to Peter’s house, and Peter knows he screwed up. 

“Look… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Peter combs a hand through his hair, tugging it a little, “I just—I really don’t…”

“It’s okay. I get it. I’m just worried about you Pete. We all are, like Harry and MJ. You’ve seemed so tired lately… and I know you’re still getting used to living part time with Tony, but please take care of yourself.” Ned stops him from opening the door to his apartment with a light hand on his shoulder, “You don’t have to talk about it, but I’m here if you want to talk about it… or anything that’s been bugging you.”

Peter bites his lip hard, and tries not to let his eyes tear up. He doesn’t deserve this from Ned. He’s been a terrible friend, and he’s only gonna mess things up worse if he doesn’t get his act together. He needs to be better. 

He unlocks the door, and they walk in. The tension in the air is gone, but now that Peter has slept, all of his senses are going into overdrive. 

He’s almost having trouble focusing on the game because his eyes are bugging out. He debates on putting the mask on to help, and eventually just does it. Ned is amused. Peter smiles a little, actually kind of happy. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt like this.

* * *

“…I have a couple other ideas, but it’s gonna take some time.” Natasha’s voice is low, and Peter pauses while walking up the stairs. He isn’t supposed to be hearing this with how quiet she’s being.

“Okay. Take however long you need. Just… don’t leave like that again. Please.” Tony’s voice breaks the silence.

“Are you sure you and Sam will be alright without any extra help?” Steve now.

“We’ll be fine,” Natasha’s voice, and then Sam’s agreeing.

“Maybe Tony should—” Steve gets cut off.

“You know he can’t leave right now. He can do everything from here. Besides, we don’t really need Iron Man out in the field right now.” Natasha again. 

Peter decides to make his presence known by thumping up the rest of the stairs. 

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Peter tries to keep his tone light.

Steve glances sideways at Natasha and raises his eyebrows. She just shakes her head lightly. 

“Hey, Pete. How was school?” Tony breaks away from the group a little, and starts towards Peter. 

“It was alright. Uneventful as usual,” Peter says, speaking carefully. 

“I’ve heard a lot of good things about you, Peter. I’m Sam. I don’t think we’ve formally met yet.” Sam walks up to him with his hand outstretched.

Peter shakes it. “Very formal. I remember you.” Peter lets out a short laugh. It was kind of funny the way Sam and James interacted when they were fighting at the airport. It’s not actually a terrible memory for Peter. 

Sam laughs at Peter’s comment. “Sorry. I’m not really sure what protocol is for meeting kid Avengers.”

Peter knows Sam’s just joking back at him, but it still hurts a little to know that they all really do look at him as a kid still. He knows he’s young, but he’s trying to be more than that one ‘kid Avenger’.

“You want to hang out in the lab with me? I’m working out some kinks on 51.” Tony offers. 

Peter hesitates, but eventually answers. “Yeah, that would be cool.” 

He ignores the little thought in the back of his head that they’re all lying to him because they don’t think he can handle whatever information they’re hiding. He ignores the little voice that tells him Tony is just trying to get him away from the common area so they can continue the conversation without having to worry about him listening in.

“I’m just doing some work on the environmental scanning drones. I have the whole suit’s energy signature cloaked now, but once the drones leave the suit, they aren’t cloaked. It shouldn’t be too difficult of a fix, but it might take a little while to get it done. Then I’ll probably get started on the damage repair issues I’ve been having.” Tony explains as they walk down to the labs. 

Peter likes when Tony talks about what he’s doing. Sometimes Peter even finds himself able to help out. Tony always gets this twinkle in his eyes when Peter says something that ends up working. It’s one of the few times Peter can actually tell he’s helping for sure, and not just being dragged along as dead weight.

They walk through the glass doors, and they seal behind Peter. Not everyone is allowed into Tony’s private workshop. Peter has clearance when Tony is in the room, so he can wander in whenever Tony is working. It’s kinda nice to be allowed in the space. He knows not everybody in the building is allowed in… like ever. He’s pretty sure Bruce and him are the only two allowed when Tony is there, and everybody else needs Tony to allow them in with special clearance. Peter’s never really seen that happen. 

It’s safe to say he likes Tony’s private lab a lot.

“So I was thinking I’d tinker with the main frame first and if that doesn’t work, then I’ll go in individually.” Tony pulls up some files on the screen over his desk. 

Peter takes a seat in one of the rolling chairs, and wheels himself a medium distance away from Tony.

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Peter agrees, even though he knows Tony is mostly just talking to himself and FRIDAY.

Tony swivels his chair to face Peter. “What would you say to designing a new suit for you with me?” 

Peter didn’t expect Tony to say that. He didn’t do an amazing job with his homemade suit, but with all the resources Tony has, he could really tailor the suit to him. He’s only done some minor mods on his current one so far, but maybe he could do this. 

“Yeah, that would be awesome, Mr. Stark.”

Tony nods and shoots him half a smile before turning around. 

“We’ll do that as soon as I’m finished with my suit… if thats alright with you?” 

“Yeah, that’s totally fine. Please take your time. I don’t want you to rush or anything.”

“No worries, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and tell me how I'm doing. It really helps. Also, if there are any plot holes, please tell me because I changed the order of events around a little bit after writing a few chapters ahead, and things might be a little mixed up. I don't think I missed anything, but if I do in this chapter, or in the next few, please don't hesitate to tell me.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments guys! I'm so glad the reactions so far have been really positive, and I just hope I can keep delivering.
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter!

He teeters off the edge of the building, letting himself fall for a millisecond before shooting a web up and feeling it pull tight. It’s early, and Peter knows he’s gonna get shit from Tony when he gets to the compound after school today, but he can’t bring himself to care.

Last night was actually pretty good in terms of sleep; he got a good five hours in before jolting awake in a cold sweat. Staying at home and pacing around just wouldn’t be fair to May, and Peter doesn’t like being antsy and… afraid. He just had to get away. 

He lets go on the upswing, and finds himself now perched on top of a rundown building at the corner of a sketchy street. Neighbourhoods like this don’t normally bother Peter- they never have considering some of the places he and May lived while he was growing up- but something about the darkness, despite the dawn approaching, and the way he can’t exactly make out the shapes of people striking a deal behind a dumpster not too far away, is putting him on edge.

Peter can feel the paranoia creeping at the edges of his mind. He takes a deep breath to steady himself. This was meant to pull him out of his mind, not plunge him further into it. He doesn’t want to think about the way the silhouettes of people remind him of something he desperately needs to forget. He can’t let these things get into his head. 

He hops over to an apartment building, and starts scaling the wall. No thinking. Just hand over hand.

He’s breathing heavily once he gets to the top. It’s not even that he’s tired from the climb, he’s really not… but he can’t catch his breath.

A buzzing on his wrist pulls him back into his body, and he glances down to look at the message across the digital screen attached to his suit. It’s the alarm he set when he left the house telling him it’s now 7:00. His first class starts in about 45 minutes, so he should probably head back to where he stashed his backpack, and get to school.

The trek to where he stowed his backpack actually takes him closer to school, so that’s nice. He makes sure to change out of his suit and into some jeans and a sweater a few blocks away from school, so there’s no chance of anyone seeing Spiderman walk into a high school. 

He still has thirty minutes before class starts so he slips into the bathroom to do something about his appearance. When he sees his reflection though, it’s worse than he thought. His hair is flattened to his forehead, held there by dry sweat, and the bags under his eyes are somehow worse than before.

Weighing his options, Peter decides there’s few enough people in the school at this hour for him to be able to lock the door to the bathroom without getting in trouble. After he twists the knob on the deadbolt, Peter strips off his sweater and shirt. 

Peter tries to ignore his reflection now, not wanting to see his stretched out binder not doing as good of a job as it should. He really should buy a new one. He wouldn’t want to bother May though, because she would insist on paying with her money, but he doesn’t have a credit card, and the only option he has is to buy online. Maybe he can ask Ned to help.

Thoughts aside, Peter sticks his head under the faucet and wets his hair, trying to scrub out the sweat and grime. He scrubs his face a bit as well, so he doesn’t look completely out of it today. There’s not much he can do about the haunted, sleepless expression he now carries all the time, but it’s better than nothing. 

He pulls a handful of paper towels out of the dispenser and dries his hair and face as best as he can before he hears someone try and tug the door open. It jams loudly, the lock preventing it from opening, and he hears a muffled ‘shit’ on the other side. Peter panics for a second, scrambling to get his clothes back on in case someone gets called to unlock the door with a key before Peter can leave the bathroom. 

“Is there someone in there?” A familiar voice calls from behind the door, and Peter pauses.

“Harry?” 

“Peter?” 

Peter curses under his breath; why did he engage in conversation? It’s not that he’s been avoiding Harry… or any of his friends, but he just doesn’t have the energy to talk to them. They all seem too concerned about him, and he can only reassure them so many times. 

He’s paused too long now, because Harry starts talking again. “Pete, I know that’s you. Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom?” 

Instead of answering, Peter takes one last look in the mirror to fix his hair, and then slings his backpack over his shoulder. 

Harry takes a surprised step backward when Peter swings it open and tries to shove past him. 

“Hey, where are you going?” Harry grabs his arm, “Wait, why is your hair wet?”

Peter swivels, knowing he can’t escape even though he’s definitely physically capable of escaping with no difficulty whatsoever. 

“Sorry, didn’t you actually need to use the bathroom? You seemed very adamant on getting in there a few seconds ago.” Peter doesn’t mean to sound so snippy, but he can’t help it. He can’t deal with 20 questions from Harry right now. 

“What’s up with you?” Harry sounds kinda angry now, and Peter really wants to get away now even though it’s his fault for pushing him. “You’ve been ignoring all of us, and I don’t know if you care, but we’ve all been really worried about you.” 

Peter looks at the floor. Harry’s right, and while he does care, a lot, he just can’t do anything about how he’s been acting. Peter’s being pulled in a million different directions and he needs to choose the most important things right now. Maybe he can do better for his friends… no he needs to do better. He really doesn’t want to lose them. He wouldn’t know what to do. 

“I’m sorry.” Peter says, for real this time, and Harry seems a bit caught off guard by the apology. “There’s just been a lot going on for me, and I really don’t want it to seem like I’m blowing you guys off, but… I don’t know,” Peter has no idea what to say.

“If you.. ya know… need to talk about anything, you know I’m always here,” Harry says, a bit awkwardly. 

“Thanks, but it’s not really anything like that,” Peter lies, “It’s just all the work I’ve been doing for the Stark internship, and all the homework, and doing decathlon on top of everything. Sometimes I just need some time to myself.” It’s pretty far from the actual truth, but Peter figures it’s fine. It’s not a _complete_ lie. He does do a lot of work with Mr. Stark, and he does get a lot of homework. 

Any anger that was once there seems to drain out of Harry, and his face turns to one of sympathy. That’s really not what Peter wants, but he figures it’s better than anger. “We can hang out and just do homework maybe… I just.. I like hanging out with you. If I can help in any way, please tell me.” 

Peter looks down, and bites his lip to keep his face in check before mumbling out, “I like hanging out with you too,” He looks back up, “I guess we could do that sometime. I don’t know how much you would be able to help me with the internship though, it’s mostly just that I have random hours, and I’m kind of on call I guess. It’s weird…”

“Yeah, I don’t know what I was saying.” Harry looks a little red, and Peter hopes he didn’t say the wrong thing again. 

They stand for a few seconds, Peter finding himself lost in his head, trying to figure out a plan to set himself straight again. He needs to get back on the wagon. He knows he’s been able to balance everything just fine before, so why is everything so different now?

“We should probably start heading to class.” Harry takes a cautious step in the direction of both their classes. Peter follows. 

They walk in silence, and the guilt grows in Peter’s gut. He knows he’s messed things up, and not just with Harry; he needs to work on things with MJ and Ned, and he needs to figure out something to convince Tony that he’s not a kid anymore. 

Things will get sorted. He can do this.

* * *

Class goes by regularly, meaning Peter has to pinch himself every so often, either to keep himself from sleeping, or to pull his mind out of the paranoia that creeps in every so often. That one is a bit tougher to rationalize though, because what if something _does_ happen? What if he needs to spring into action, and he’s not paying attention? 

In any case, he’s fine up until the end of PhysEd. 

Everyone’s mostly cleared out of the locker room, so he should be fine to start changing as long as he’s in back corner. 

When he slides out of his shirt though, he hears the door open, and someone walks in quickly. Peter fumbles with the material of his shirt before he just tugs it over his head and hopes for the best. 

“Hey, Pete. Are you still in here?” It’s Harry… again. 

He walks around the corner and gives Peter a once over. Peter just fumbles more with his shirt, his reflexes dampened from sleep deprivation, and probably the general anxiety about Harry finding out about him. 

“You know your shirt is on backwards.” Harry leans against the lockers next to Peter. 

“I guess it is.” Peter pulls out the front collar just far enough to see the tag sitting there, mocking him for being stupid enough to change in the locker room today. 

Peter can’t exactly take his shirt off, so he pulls his arms into it, and turns it around. It’s lucky the shirt’s big enough for him to be able to do that, or he doesn’t know how he would have gotten away from Harry. A lot of his clothes seem to fit a little looser lately. Peter would be lying if he said he didn’t know why. He hasn’t exactly had much of an appetite in the last month or so. It’s nothing extreme though. Maybe five pounds give or take. 

Harry, thankfully, doesn’t comment on Peter’s strange strategy of righting his shirt. 

“What’s up?” Peter grabs his bag, and they start walking towards the door. 

“I forgot to mention it this morning, but I was planning on having a party at my place next Friday. Do you think you could maybe get the night off from work?” 

Peter knows Mr. Stark will be fine if he asks for one day off. He’s not exactly sure if he’ll like the reason, but he’s been telling Peter to take it easy lately for some reason, and if this isn’t what he means, then Peter’s not sure what he’s trying to say. He’d rather not think about it to be honest.

“Yeah, I think I can swing that.” Peter throws a half smile at Harry, who is now fully smiling. 

Peter feels his chest tighten a little bit- in a good way for once- because Harry is that happy to have him come out to a party. It’s nice to know he’s not completely ruined everything by being a terrible friend lately. 

Peter’s about to branch off to the English wing, but Harry stops him with a light hand on his chest, “I don’t know if you’re busy next week on non-work days, but I figured I’d ask now cuz I know you’re swamped lately, but do you maybe wanna come over on Wednesday and help me hand out candy? I’m gonna be home alone, so we can watch a movie or something, and you can stay over if you like, so you don’t have to bus home in the dark. My place is kinda far.” Peter’s never heard Harry ramble quite like this before.

“Yeah, that would be cool. I don’t want to put you out or anything though, I don’t mind being out at night…” Peter trails off, remembering the way he was able to sleep that one afternoon in the field with Harry next to him. He’s not sure if it was Harry’s presence, or the fact that it was daytime, or maybe he was so severely sleep deprived that he would have fallen asleep no matter the circumstances. In any case, Peter isn’t as opposed to staying over as he should be. It’s selfish really, and Peter is starting to feel guilty, but it’s a bit too late for that because Harry’s started talking again. 

“No, it’s no trouble at all actually. We have a couple guest rooms, and I love having people over. Makes the house feel less empty and sad…” Harry lets out a little self deprecating laugh, and looks away. 

“Okay. Cool.” Peter bites his lip. Harry is really cute like this, and Peter’s having a hard time ignoring it.

The bell suddenly rings, and Peter realizes the halls are void of people. 

“Shit,” Harry mutters, “Sorry for making you late for class,” He calls as he starts hurrying down the hall and towards his own classroom. 

Peter also takes off, his heart still fluttering from the exchange.

* * *

“Are you ignoring me?” Tony greets Peter in the living room, his arm around the back of the chair, and head swivelled to face him as he walked in. 

Peter stops in his tracks, holding his backpack awkwardly at his elbow. “No, Mr. Stark. Why would you think that? No. No.” Peter starts shuffling towards the hallway, not in the mood for confrontation. He doesn’t really feel like being chewed out for going out this morning. Maybe he’ll psych himself up later, but he still has Chem work to do that he’d like to finish before he gets his mind out of the ‘learning’ zone. 

“Hey, I’d like to talk,” Tony calls after him, and he slows his shuffle a little, “Why the rush?” 

Peter turns, not exactly sure what he wants to say. “Can I finish my chemistry homework before we talk? I know we have some things to go over with the team later, so can I please just get this done? I’ll come out and talk when I’m finished. I just need to do this, Mr. Stark. Please just let me…”

“Hey, hey, slow your roll, kiddo.” Tony stands up and takes a couple steps towards Peter. He unconsciously takes a couple steps back in turn. “Did something happen today? Or yesterday… last night?” Tony stops walking when he realizes Peter won’t let him get any closer. 

“No. Everything is fine. I just need some… alone time…?” Peter lets out a little tension from his voice, knowing it’s not helping him convince Tony everything is good. Everything is good though. He just has some things to fix for himself, but he doesn’t need Tony to know about it. 

Tony’s demeanour shifts a little at the relaxed voice, and Peter can see the cogs turning in his head. “Is this about a girl?” Tony watches Peter’s face, and quickly amends, “Or… boy?”

Peter’s not sure what he was expecting him to say, but it sure wasn’t that. He’s also not sure what prompted Tony to add on the second part of the question. He’s been a pro at keeping secrets, so he really doesn’t know how Tony knows. God, Tony _knows_ , doesn’t he? 

“No,” Peter says, almost aggressively. 

Tony holds his hands up. “I was just asking,” He says, but the smirk on his face tells Peter that he knows more than he’s letting on. 

They stand for a couple more seconds before Tony tells Peter he should probably get his homework done, and then winks. Peter feels his cheeks heat up, and he quickly turns and exits to his room, throwing the door closed behind him. 

Once safely on his bed, Peter lets out a sigh, and flops down. The floor to ceiling window is exhibiting the cloudy October sky, and it’s not helping his mood improve. He hits a button on the wall, and the blinds slowly cover the window, replacing it with the dull grey of the translucent fabric. 

That doesn’t help either. 

He pulls his homework out of his backpack, and spreads it out on his bed. He just needs to finish some of the post lab work, do some stoichiometry equations from his workbook, and then get a start on a paper for English. He finished his Spanish work on the drive to the compound, so at least that’s out of the way. 

His phone lights up when he’s about half way through his workbook questions. 

_did you ask your boss if you could have next friday off?? -Harry_

Peter closes his eyes and gathers himself for a second. Why didn’t he ask Tony if he could go out Friday night? He should’ve used that as his excuse for being weird after getting home from school. Tony would’ve totally bought that. 

He types a reply, so he doesn’t leave Harry hanging. 

_Not yet. Will do at the end of the day -Peter_

_m’kay, let me know when u find out (: and if he says no, just call in sick on friday or something aha. u get sick days right? -Harry_

_I’ll let you know as soon as I find out. Idk about calling in sick though… -Peter_

_don’t you like legally get a certain amount of sick days? maybe internships are different. let’s just hope he says yes so u don’t have to figure it out -Harry_

_I’m sure he’ll say yes -Peter_

It’s nice how much Harry seems to care about Peter being there. He doesn’t know why though. Peter’s been such a flake lately; he doesn’t know how anyone still trusts him, or wants to hang around him. If he were Harry, he would’ve dropped someone like him. Harry could have way better friends than Peter. 

In any case, he’ll make sure not to forget to ask Tony to go to the party next Friday. Hopefully there’s no situations that would call the Avengers into play that week. Because there’s no way he could miss something like that. Even though he went out into the field a few weeks back, he still knows that Tony doesn’t think he’s fully ready. He needs more proof. 

Peter turns away from his homework. It’s not really any use anyways. He’s pretty good on the unit their doing right now, but he can’t focus properly on his page. It would be no use to start on his English paper either. 

He groans and shoves his stuff back into his backpack, agitated, and now antsy to do something. 

There’s a soft knock on the door, and Peter glares at it. “Go away.”

He widens his eyes as he realizes what he just said to whoever is on the other side of the door. If it’s Tony, then he’s gonna be angry at Peter for telling him off after he’s already done so much for him… too much… more than he deserves. If it’s anybody else, then that’s horrible too because he doesn’t have the kind of relationship to be talking like that with Steve, or James, or Rhody, or Natasha and Sam who’ve just recently got back from whatever they were doing that Tony refused to elaborate on.

Peter swears under his breath and jumps up from his bed, flinging the door open. 

“I’m so sorry,” It’s Tony, “Mr. Stark, I didn’t mean to say that—”

Tony cuts him off. “It’s fine, kid. I know you were probably busy finishing up your homework.” The smirk he was wearing earlier is creeping back onto his face, and Peter can feel his cheeks heating up. 

“No, I’m done now. I was gonna come hang out in the living room soon anyways, so I guess you weren’t really bothering me or anything. I mean, you definitely weren’t bothering me. I misspoke…” 

“I get that you don’t want to talk to me about personal stuff,” Tony starts walking, and Peter belatedly follows, “Or anything really, for that matter, but I want you to know…” Tony stops and turns to Peter. “I just want you to know that I care about you, and I’m here if you need anything. It’s… when you go out on patrol in the middle of the night, and then come here and practically run to your room, I just feel…” Tony sighs, “You can talk to me, kid… Peter. I’m just really proud of you, and if you need help or advice, I’m here…”

Tony is looking him directly in the eyes, and Peter can feel his eyes start to sting. Tony can’t care about him after how much he’s done to disappoint him. He can’t. That doesn’t make sense. He has no reason to be proud of him. Tony’s only doing this because he’s already invested too much in _Spiderman_ to give up on Peter now. 

His heart starts racing, and he closes his eyes, willing himself not to cry. He doesn’t even know why he’s about to; maybe it’s because of what Tony just said, or what he didn’t say, but Peter knows to be true. He can’t cry though, not here, and not in front of Tony Stark. 

There’s no stopping the tears, so he turns around. “Thanks, Mr. Stark, that’s— that’s” his voice breaks, and he feels a fat tear roll down his cheek, “Nice of you to say, um, offer.”

“Peter…?” Tony puts a hand on his shoulder, clearly intending on getting him to turn around, but he flinches it off and starts walking quickly. 

He doesn’t know where he’s going, but he needs to get out. It feels like there’s something squeezing his chest, and…

Suddenly he’s back. He’s on Titan, and everything is red.

His pace picks up, and now he’s running. He flies down the stairs, and out the front doors, vaguely registering Tony calling after him. 

When he reaches the trees he keeps going, dodging around, and gasping for breath through fog and tears. He can’t do this again. He can’t do this to Tony. He doesn’t want to remember. He can’t…

Peter falls to his knees, curling up at the base of a tree. There’s daggers in his chest, and his head is pounding. His vision is somehow crisp and foggy all at once. It’s like he’s not really there at all. 

He needs to fix everything, and he can’t. He needs to forget… he needs to get out. 

After a few minutes of chaos, maybe longer (Peter can’t really tell), everything starts to slow down, and then eventually he can breath again. He’s back, and he can hear footsteps coming towards him.

He scans the trees for danger, his heart already picking up the pace again, but then he catches sight of Tony, a ways away, slowly making his way through the trees. He’s looking for Peter. He looks… scared, no, that’s not quite right. 

He looks haunted.

Peter did that. It’s his fault. He keeps _doing this_. Why can’t he stop? Why can’t he just pull himself together? Why is he so weak, so flawed? 

He stands up, legs unsteady and hardly fit to hold him up. He leans against a tree, feeling the coarse bark dig into his spine. He doesn’t want Tony to find him like this; he doesn’t want Tony to find a broken kid with one too many defects, and the inability to do anything right. He doesn’t wan’t Tony to find him at all. 

Peter quietly starts creeping in a wide circle around Tony, careful not to make any obvious movements. While Tony has tech that would give him away in a second, Peter can see that he’s not wearing his glasses, which means Peter’s enhanced senses give him the advantage. He must’ve come straight after Peter without stopping to grab anything on the way. 

With every passing second, the guilt sinks further into him, building and compressing. He’s a burden, and he’s making things worse. He’s making Tony worse. 

When he’s sure he’s far enough away, and now back near the edge of the forest, he starts running again. This time he focuses on the pounding of his footsteps, and the steady thump of his heart. He’s fast, and he makes it to the compound in almost no time at all. 

He doesn’t really know what to do, so he goes back inside and up the stairs. Steve and James are in the kitchen, flipping through what looks like a cookbook. 

Steve looks up, his face turning from relaxed to concerned when he sees Peter. “Hey, are you alright?” 

James looks up at him as well, and for a second he feels like he’s gonna freak out again, but something about the looks in their eyes makes him calm down a bit. 

“Yeah,” His voice comes out stronger than he expected it to, “I’m okay. I kinda freaked Tony out, but it was nothing really.”

Steve nods, and James just looks at him. He can tell that neither of them believe what he’s saying, but they’re pretending to, so he figures it’s alright. 

“Did you want to hang out in here?” Steve asks.

“We’re making tacos.” James adds, voice deadpan, and his face unchanged from the blank stare.

Steve bumps him lightly with his shoulder, and James looks over at him and blinks. His face softens slightly, and he looks back down at the cookbook they were both reading before.

“I think I’m gonna hang out in my room. Thanks for the offer though. Maybe next time?” It comes out a question even though he didn’t really mean to make it one. 

“For sure.” Steve nods, and then starts reading the book out loud.

Peter suddenly feels like he’s intruding on something, and he quickly makes his way back into the safety of his room.

He sits down on the floor, leaning against the window. It’s cold on his back, but he doesn’t move. After a few beats of silence he pulls out his phone and opens his text chat with Tony. 

_I’m in my room. Please give me some space. Sorry. Maybe I’ll talk later. -Peter_

The response is almost immediate. 

_Okay. -Tony_

Three dots appear an disappear a couple times, but Peter doesn’t get another text. 

Peter shuts his screen off and throws his phone across the room. It slams against the wall, and then clatters to the floor. It’s probably broken and cracked now, but he doesn’t really care. He just pulls his knees in close and tucks his face into them, now feeling detached from himself, almost numb.

It’s maybe an hour or so later before there’s another knock at his door.

He doesn’t say anything. 

“Dinner is ready. Steve and Barnes made tacos. Please come out and have some,” Tony’s voice is small, and a little bit pleading. 

Peter’s never heard him talk like that before, and something inside him breaks a little because it’s his fault. 

“I’m not hungry,” He calls out, his voice rough. 

Peter sits on the floor in the corner until the sun rises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep the comments coming, they really do help!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... left things pretty rough there, sorry about that. This one is a bit lighter because I also don't like seeing Peter so sad all the time aha. Needed a bit of a breather I guess.
> 
> On another note, I headcanon both the actors and the characters in the universe because it's more fun that way, just as a bit of an explanation. 
> 
> Enjoy this one!

Peter slumps into his seat, setting his Monster onto the desk in front of him next to his books.

Harry eyes it. “Rough night?” 

“What else is new?” Peter takes a long drink, not bothering to tell Harry that this is his third every drink of the morning. He’s found that it takes more caffeine to work on him since the spider bite, but this is a little extensive, even for him.

“Maybe you should ask for some time off…” Harry sounds hopeful. 

Peter doesn’t answer. Harry wouldn’t understand, and he’s too tired to come up with a believable excuse for why he can’t. 

“I didn’t see you this morning before first. Were you late?” 

“No, I ran down the street to get these.” Peter taps his nail against the Monster can.

“These?” Harry raises his eyebrows.

Peter closes his eyes. He’s been so out of it this morning, he’s not surprised he accidentally let it slip that this isn’t his first drink of the morning. 

He holds up two fingers, even though it’s a lie, but he doesn’t want Harry to worry about him any more than he already is.

Harry murmurs a quiet ‘oh my God’ under his breath, and then looks back up at Peter. “Can I have some?” 

Peter sighs. “I guess.” 

Harry takes the can and starts chugging it. Peter is knocked out of his morning haze, but he’s still too shocked to stop him. When Harry’s finished the last two thirds of the can in one go, he puts it down back in front of Peter. 

“Thanks.” Harry smirks at Peter, who rolls his eyes. 

He really doesn’t know how Harry is still here, and now trying to help him… protect him from himself even. It doesn’t make sense. 

They both look up to the front of the class where they’ve already missed some of the notes. Peter doesn’t really care though. It’s not like he’ll be able to focus on them anyway.

* * *

“Skipping lunch again?” MJ asks from across the cafeteria table.

Peter lifts his head from where it was rested in his arms. “I feel sick.” 

“I wonder why.” Harry looks pointedly at Peter who just frowns at him. 

“Do you need to go home?” Ned asks, but his eyes are asking something else.

Peter makes eye contact before answering. “No.” 

The answer was for both questions. Even though both are partially a lie. He should go home… probably, and this is a Spiderman thing… sorta.

Ned looks at him for another long second before shaking his head a little and sliding over the other half of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Peter purses his lips, but he eventually slips it out of the ziplock and takes a few bites. 

Everyone at the table seems to relax a bit after he starts eating, and it gives Peter a weird feeling in his stomach. He doesn’t like it.

* * *

When he gets back to the compound he goes straight into his room. He and Steve planned a training session for 5:00 today, or 1700 as Steve put it (Peter’s found he speaks in terms of the 24 hour clock). He doesn’t really want to go, but they planned it a couple days ago, so he feels like it would be rude if he didn’t go. 

He has fifteen minutes to prepare for that, both physically and mentally. 

He hasn’t seen Tony yet since he’s gotten back from school, which is a bit strange because he normally makes time to say ‘hi’ to Peter as soon as he gets back, even if it’s just for a minute or two. Maybe Tony’s avoiding him now. Peter wouldn’t judge him for it. He doesn’t want to be around Tony either, and this morning he waited until the last possible second to leave his room and sneak out of the compound so he wouldn’t have to see Tony. He’s not ready to talk about what happened, and he doesn’t know if he ever will be. 

Peter puts on some compression leggings and basketball shorts, and then a grey t-shirt over his binder. He also slips on some sneakers that Tony got for him a few months ago. They’re mostly broken in, but he doesn’t wear them very often because he didn’t really earn them. He supposes now that he didn’t really earn his entire living situation, so what’re some sneakers to him? 

He meets Steve and Sam downstairs in the training room.

Last night Peter heard Sam and Natasha get back to the compound a few hours past midnight. He couldn’t exactly make out the hushed voices he heard in the common area, but Tony and Rhody were up, and both Natasha and Sam sounded upset… well, Sam sounded upset, and Natasha was a little less articulate than usual.

“I hope it’s okay I told Sam he could train with us,” Steve explains the extra person. 

Peter is a little anxious to train with Sam because he hasn’t really talked to him much, but he really doesn’t mind another person to buffer him from Captain America. “The more the merrier.” Peter tries to smile, but it falls short. 

“Great. Lets start off with a jog. Three miles should do it for the warmup.” Steve takes charge, and Peter nods. He likes showing people he can do what he’s told, even if it is just during a training session that doesn’t really matter. 

They start slowly, and build to a midrange speed after they start to warm up. Peter keeps pace with Steve pretty easily, but Sam drops back a bit to go slower.

They follow a path that goes down through the trees, and then loops around so they’re running along the edge of the water. It’s nice, and Peter feels calm for the first time since yesterday. 

When they get back to the door to the training area, Steve leads Peter through some stretches until Sam arrives about a few minutes later. 

“You guys call that a jog!?” He cracks a smile, and Steve laughs a little. Peter decides he likes having Sam here. 

“I’m surprised Pete didn’t have trouble keeping up with me.” Steve says, teasing. 

“Watch out, man, he might’ve been holding back,” Sam plays along.

“Yeah Steve, I thought you said jog, not walk!” Peter grins, and it’s actually real. 

The other two laugh, and Peter feels more relaxed after that, less out of place. They stretch for another few minutes, and then Steve takes them inside to do some sparring. Tony’s taught Peter some moves in the last month, but it’s nice to fight with someone else. Steve has a bit of a different approach, and Peter is enjoying the new challenge. 

Steve and Sam go when Peter is having a break for a few minutes. Sam is fast, and he knows what he’s doing, but Steve is much stronger. Peter wonders what he looked like fighting Steve. Maybe he’ll ask Sam how it looked from the outside, because Steve kept saying he’s a natural. Peter couldn’t tell if he was going easy on him though, and he can’t really just ask. 

Steve takes a break, and then Sam and Peter go. Peter is faster than Sam, but he still isn’t quite as experienced. He manages to pin Sam down by skirting around him and kicking his legs out, and all three of them are a little surprised. 

“Not bad kid, not bad.” Steve says. 

“Thanks!” Peter feels like they were both probably going easy on him. 

They move on to do some cardio circuits to finish the session, and Peter finds himself really getting into it and pushing himself. He’s mostly trying to do as well, or better than Steve, and for the most part he’s actually matching him. 

Sam is always a little behind, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Peter would never judge him for that though, and Steve’s only remarks are obvious jokes that Sam takes very well. It’s not like he got injected with super-serum, or bitten by a radioactive spider. He’s just a normal dude who’s really talented.

“Do you guys ever lift weights?” Peter asks while they take a water break. 

“I have to,” Sam laughs, “Or else I’d never be able to keep up with the old man over here.” 

“A couple times a week, but I’ve never really gone for size or anything, more just to get in the gym and do something,” Steve says, “It’s nice to get away from everything for awhile. You can join me anytime you want, Peter.” 

“Thanks,” Peter decides he also really likes Steve. He’s nothing like the videos they used to show of him in school. 

“What about James? Does he ever train with you guys?” Peter asks, he was curious as to why Steve invited Sam and not James, but he didn’t really feel comfortable enough to ask earlier. 

“Yeah. I didn’t know if you’d want him here today though, so I thought I’d just start with Sam. You two didn’t really know each other before either, did you?” 

“No, but you all seem cool. Why wouldn’t I want him here?” Peter doesn’t understand what Steve is saying. 

Sam and Steve share a look. “Well, he was a bit off yesterday, and I thought that was why you didn’t want to hang around with us,” Steve explains. 

“And we weren’t sure how cool you were with the whole ‘war criminal’ thing he had going…” Sam adds carefully, and Steve seems to be watching Peter for a reaction. 

Peter thinks for a moment before speaking. “That’s not who he is, so I can’t judge him for what happened. It was never his fault. I know we all got off to a bit of a rocky start in Germany, but I’d like to maybe get to know him a bit better. If he wants, I mean.” 

“I like you, kid.” Sam pats him on the back. 

“I’ll tell him to come along next time.” Steve has a small smile on his face, and for once, Peter thinks he’s done something right.

* * *

Peter spends some more time in his room in the evening because Tony is in the living room. 

Eventually Tony knocks on his door and asks if he wants dinner. Peter’s not really hungry, but he opens the door and comes out. If it’s time he might as well get it over with. 

Tony’s not alone when he comes out though; Bruce, Rhody, and Natasha are all in the kitchen as well. 

“Where’s everyone else?” It’s out of his mouth before he can stop himself. 

He doesn’t miss the pained expression that passes across Tony’s face before he answers. “Steve took Barnes into the city, and Sam tagged along.” 

“Oh, uhh… cool.” Peter stands at the edge of the room awkwardly, feeling like Tony wasn’t actually telling the truth. 

He’s met Natasha a couple times, but she hasn’t really had time to spend much time with him, and this is the first time he’s seen Bruce despite him having been here far longer than Peter. 

Dinner is steak and potatoes. Peter ends up taking a plate and immediately retreating back into his room. Most of it ends up in the trash. It’s not that he doesn’t want to eat it, but he’s not hungry, and for some reason he just can’t.

His phone buzzes, and he pulls it out of the pocket in his backpack. The screen is shattered, but it still works. 

_friday? -Harry_

Peter hasn’t asked yet. He doesn’t really know how to talk to Tony right now. He doesn’t know what to say. He knows things are more fragile than ever, and he’s on the verge of being kicked off the team, and kicked out of the compound for good. Peter knows he’s just prolonging the inevitable, but he’s not ready for this to end. He came so close, and he doesn’t want to lose everything yet.

He decides to text Tony. That way he can just stop responding if Tony starts on something Peter can’t handle hearing.

_Can I go to a friends house next Friday instead of coming here? -Peter_

Tony starts typing, and Peter waits for the response, but then the dots disappear and reappear several times. 

_Yeah, that’s fine. We don’t have anything going on that day. -Tony_

Peter switches to his conversation with Harry. 

_I’ll be there -Peter_

_:):):) nice -Harry_

Peter changes into pyjamas and goes to bed early. He doesn’t bother turning the lights off because he knows he’ll be up soon anyway if he manages to sleep at all. 

* * *

On Halloween, half the school population is dressed up, and the other half is not. Peter falls into the latter. It’s not that he doesn’t like halloween, but he’s already been made fun of enough, and he figures he’d rather not give anyone any more ammunition. 

MJ isn’t dressed up either, but Ned and Harry are. 

Harry is wearing a green hat and a long green shirt with a belt around his waist, and white jeans, so he mostly looks like Link from Legend of Zelda, but if he were to take the hat and belt off he would just look like himself. It’s not a bad look on him, though. In fact, Peter really likes the way he looks, but he shoves that thought out of his mind. 

Ned is wearing a chef hat, and his regular clothes. 

“Why aren’t you guys dressed up?” Harry directs his question at MJ and Peter while they hang out by Peter’s locker before first block. 

“ _I am_ dressed up,” Michelle declares. 

“What are you?” Ned looks her up and down. 

“I’m MJ.” She says it like it’s obvious to everyone. Peter figures it probably should’ve been to anyone that knows her. 

“I don’t really _do_ the whole Halloween thing.” Peter shrugs. He doesn’t feel like getting into things today. 

“And that’s why I brought you this!” Harry reaches into his backpack and pulls out a blue shirt and another pair of white pants. 

“What…?” Peter tries to figure out what that could possibly be. 

“You’re gonna be Link from Breath of the Wild because I figured you’d refuse to wear the hat, and your hair is getting pretty long so people will get it,” Harry explains. 

Peter bites his lip to stop himself from smiling. Normally if _anyone_ tried to get him to dress up against his will on halloween, he’d be grumpy and would outright refuse, but it’s Harry, and he put so much thought into what Peter would want.

Both Ned and MJ give him a look. Peter knows they’re wrong, and even if they’re not wrong he knows it would never work. He’s not who Harry thinks he is… in any sense of the word. 

“Okay, but the clothes are probably not gonna fit me if they’re yours.” Peter takes the offered clothes, and Harry reaches into his backpack to grab another belt. 

“We still have like ten minutes before class, you should go change. I think they’ll fit you alright.” 

Harry walks Peter to the bathroom, and they go in together. There is, thankfully, nobody else in there, so Peter is free to go into the stall to change. 

He slides his blue jeans off, and pulls on the white skinny jeans that can’t possibly be Harry’s based on how well they fit him. 

“Where’d you get these pants?” He asks through the door. 

“They’re mine from a couple years ago before I hit my growth spurt,” Harry informs him. 

“They fit pretty well. A bit long, but they’re better then I thought they’d be.” Peter pulls a little at the fabric around his legs. They’re maybe a bit baggy as well, but he’d rather not be in tight pants anyway. He’s glad they fit him properly around the waist. Most of his pants are riding right where they should be, and he’s thinking he might need to get a belt for a couple of his bigger pairs of pants, so in that department, he’s been doing really well. 

When he puts the shirt on, it goes halfway down his thighs, which he figures is the point, but it’s not really his style. 

He walks out of the stall, and Harry looks him up and down, a smile forming on his lips. 

“The jeans are a bit big, but you look good,” He hands Peter the belt, “Here let me fix your hair.”

Peter starts doing up the belt at his waist, over his shirt. “My hair?” 

Harry doesn’t bother answering, he just pulls a hair tie off his wrist and starts gathering Peter’s hair. He leaves some hanging forwards on either side, but pulls the rest back into a ponytail. 

He meets Harry’s eyes in the mirror, and bites his lip. Harry holds his eyes, his hands slowly moving through Peter’s hair to smooth out any lumps. 

The bathroom door slams open, and both Peter and Harry look down as someone walks in. Harry snaps the hair tie on, and tells Peter he’s good to go. He looks vaguely like Link, and for once in his life, he doesn’t actually mind having a ponytail. This does remind him that he really does need to cut it though, because he doesn’t need anyone bringing up anything from his past because of his new hairdo. His hair has been bothering him for awhile. Long doesn’t suit him, and it never has.

They meet back briefly with MJ and Ned, who both tell Peter that he looks pretty good. MJ comments on the hair, and Peter just laughs it off. She doesn’t mean anything by it, he knows. 

After that, they make their ways to their respective classes, and begin their day.

* * *

“Ready?” Harry asks Peter. 

They’re standing at Peter’s locker, and he’s got his regular backpack on, and he’s holding a duffel bag with some of his stuff in it so he can stay over at Harry’s tonight. 

“Yeah,” They start walking towards the exit of the school, “I’m excited to see your house. I can’t believe I haven’t been there yet.” 

“I know. But you’ve always been busy whenever I invite you. It’s okay though, cuz now I know your schedule a little better, so I can try and plan around it.” 

Peter genuinely doesn’t know how Harry is so well adjusted… well, that’s a lie. He doesn’t know why such a well adjusted person would want to be friends with someone who’s a complete mess. He understands Ned and Michelle because they’ve known him since before things started going to shit, but Harry popped in right when things started getting worse.

Harry takes him to the parking lot, and Peter gets into the passenger seat of Harry’s Audi. He’s driven Peter to his apartment a couple times when they’ve been hanging out, or to Ned’s place when they’ve gone there, but Peter still can’t believe his luck with millionaires. That’s not to say Harry is a millionaire, but his dad is, and he’s the sole heir of the entire business. 

Maybe there’s just something about him that rich people like to pity. Peter pushes that thought from his mind, because he _really_ doesn’t want that to be the case. 

“Have you thought about what movies you want to watch?” Harry asks, briefly glancing at him before turning his eyes back to the road.

Peter thinks for a second. “Maybe not something scary if that’s okay. I don’t really do too well with horror movies…” He pauses for a second and then adds, “Sorry I’m lame.” 

“That’s fine. I’m good watching anything to be honest. I’m not the biggest fan of horror anyway. I only said we could put on something scary because it’s halloween, but I don’t really care what we watch.” 

Peter looks down at his lap. Harry is just so good. Like unnaturally good. It’s like he lives to make Peter feel better about himself. Peter doesn’t deserve someone like Harry, he knows, but with every passing moment he spends with him, it’s getting harder for him to imagine life without Harry. 

“Do you have the Star Trek reboot?” 

“All three.” 

* * *

The doorbell rings, and they hop off the couch to greet whoever’s at the door. It’s still light out, so Peter assumes it’s gonna be a toddler who can’t stay up late. 

Harry grabs the bowl of full size chocolate bars (“What’s the point of trick or treating if you don’t get substantial sized candy, Pete?”), and opens up the door. It’s an older kid, maybe fifteen, and not dressed up, toting a little girl in a bumblebee costume, and an even younger boy wearing a blue power rangers suit. 

“Hey guys, do you wanna grab a couple each?” Harry crouches down to the kids’ level and offers them the bowl. 

They grab a few and say thanks, and Harry gives the older kid a chocolate bar for himself, and then they shut the door again. 

“The lighting outside is really cool, do you wanna take a picture for Instagram with me?” Harry asks, holding his phone out.

Peter can’t say no to an offer like that.

Harry leads him up two flights of stairs, and then out onto a flat part of his roof that’s set up with some patio furniture on one side, and has some flowerbeds and plants on the other side. He asks Peter if he’s cool to stand on top of the ledge so they can get a better picture, and Peter mumbles about being pretty good with heights.

Once Harry’s positioned his phone where he wants it, and has gotten Peter to do a few trials with just him to make sure it looks good, he also hops up on the ledge and they pose together. 

It ends up being really lame, but Peter likes the photo anyway. He’s more relaxed than he’s been in a long time, and one of the pictures caught them both laughing at some stupid joke Harry made. 

After that, they put on Star Trek and take turns going to the door to hand out candy. After a couple hours, before they get a chance to put in the second movie, the doorbell rings and they both hop up to answer it. 

Standing on the doorstep are a couple kids, maybe ten, dressed as Spiderman and Captain America. The Captain America is a stock costume; Peter didn’t know that was a thing until this moment, and locks away the information to tell Steve later. The Spiderman suit is a little more homemade. It looks like a onesie that someone stitched the little spider logo and webs onto. It’s pretty impressive considering what Peter was wearing before Tony gave him his current suits.

“Are those your favourite Avengers?” Harry asks the kids, and they start getting excited about the heroes, chattering about their favourite videos of things they’ve done that were caught on camera. 

Peter can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of… something; it could be pride, or maybe a hint of self assuredness. It’s _him._ The kid chose to dress as _Spiderman._ Aside from whatever emotions are currently overwhelming him though, Peter feels his eyes start to well up a bit. He can’t really stop the flow of tears, and he doesn’t really know what’s happening, because he’s not panicking, or freaking out, or whatever— he’s just overwhelmed by this mystery emotion.

“Are you okay, dude?” Peter looks up, and realizes Harry is looking at him with concern. 

Peter hastily wipes the moisture out of his eyes with the the back of his wrist. “Yeah, I just…” His mind races as he tries to think of a plausible reason for him to be crying, “I just get emotional when I see stuff like that.” 

Harry looks like he doesn’t understand, and Peter doesn’t blame him; he was about as vague as he could have possibly been, and his answer probably only raised more questions.

Before Harry asks, Peter tries to clear it up. “I mean, like, it’s just crazy that these heroes are like… they’re just real people, and someone wanted to dress like him. That’s just crazy.”

“Like him?” 

Stupid Peter. “Spiderman, uh, and Captain America I guess… I don’t know.” 

“It’s okay. To each their own, I guess. You don’t have to tell me if Spiderman saved your life or something if you don’t want to. It might be a cool story though.”

“Okay.” Peter lets out a bark of laughter, wiping his eyes again. Harry isn’t too far off there. He wasn’t lying when he said it was crazy for people to want to dress up like him. He’s just a high school student who’s failing to juggle his personal and vigilante life, and yet. 

They start the second movie, and the steady stream of kids starts to die down a bit until there hasn’t been anyone in the last half hour. They’ve just gotten to the part where Kirk dies, and Spock is about to take down Kahn. 

“Ya know, Zachary Quinto was my first celebrity crush,” Harry says.

Peter swears his heart stops. 

Either Harry is admitting he’s into guys, or he’s trying to make a fool out of Peter. 

When he glances over at Harry, he’s got his eyes on Peter, and he doesn’t break eye contact or look away when Peter’s eyes meet his. 

“It must’ve been his eyebrow game,” Peter blurts out, and then looks back at the TV where he’s currently beating on Benedict Cumberbatch.

Harry lets out a short laugh. “Yeah, that’s _totally_ what it was.” 

Peter can feel his cheeks heating up. If Harry notices, he doesn’t say anything, but Peter can feel him glance over a few more times before the end of the movie. 

It’s not like he didn’t suspect something. It’s more like he denied the possibility that Harry is into guys so strongly that, now that it’s on the table, it’s shooting Peter back to the first day of school when all the ‘cute guy, seems a little interested’ alarm bells were going off in his head. 

Peter’s now like 80 percent sure that Harry just sorta came out to him, and was possibly trying to gauge Peter’s reaction, maybe to see if he’s interested. It’s not like Peter has been blind to the little things that could always have been seen as flirting. He really didn’t want to be let down though, so he generally chalked it up to Harry’s personality. 

This, though, he can’t really mould into anything else. 

For a moment Peter considers making a move, but then he realizes who he is: trans, Spiderman, _a liar_. He couldn’t do that to Harry, as much as he might want to. 

When the movie credits start rolling, they just kind of sit there, watching in silence. There’s a bit of tension, but it’s not the bad kind for once. 

Harry finally speaks first, and saves them both… or not exactly. “So you can take the guest room if you want, or you can share my bed. It’s a queen, so there’s plenty of room if you don’t want to be alone in my crazy house.” 

Peter’s scared to answer, because he doesn’t know what Harry wants him to choose. “I… uh, I—” Peter stammers, and tries to think of the best way to word his answer.

Harry, yet again, beats him to it. “If what I said made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry… I only offered for you to share my bed because I know you’ve been really tired lately, and Ned sorta mentioned some stuff about nightmares, and I know that it’s sometimes easier to sleep when someone else is there with you… so, yeah.” 

Peter can’t even find it in himself to be mad at Ned for talking to Harry about him. He knows Ned only had his best interest at heart. “Um, yeah. That would be nice, but only if you don’t mind. I really don’t want to intrude,”

“It’s settled then.”

They don’t really talk while they get ready for bed, Harry only telling him where he can throw his stuff, and that Peter can use the bathroom first if he wants. 

Peter lays on top of the covers, wearing pyjama bottoms and a baggy old t-shirt. He swapped out his regular binder for some KT tape. It’s not ideal, but his binders have all been a bit looser on him, and he hasn’t been able to get a new one yet. Buying tape was just easier because they sell it at the drug store. The tape is doing okay, but he’s still a bit self conscious and wary, especially when he’s going to have Harry so close to him. 

When Harry walks out of his bathroom wearing nothing but some sweat pants, Peter is not prepared. Despite everything, he hasn’t seen Harry shirtless, and what he sees does not disappoint. He quickly looks back down at his phone where he was scrolling through Instagram so Harry doesn’t think he was being weird. 

“You know you don’t have to cover up and stuff. I swear I didn’t mean anything by what I said earlier. I just want you to be comfortable.” 

“It’s okay, I’m just kinda self conscious about my body. I don’t sleep with a shirt off, like even at home. Don’t worry about it.”

Harry nods, no judgement in his eyes, and flops onto his side of the bed, pulling the covers over half of him, leaving one arm and one leg out in the open. Peter also pulls the covers over him, but doesn’t leave any part of him uncovered. Harry has a really heavy duvet, and Peter finds he likes it. It makes him feel real, and present. 

Harry flicks his lamp off, and says goodnight, but they both stay on their phones for awhile. Peter puts his down first, and closes his eyes, just enjoying the fact that he’s not scared to try and sleep for once. He’s a little nervous, but not scared. 

“I wasn’t bothered.” Peter finally says quietly. 

Harry puts his phone on his bedside table. “Hmm?” 

“I wasn’t bothered by what you said earlier.” Peter rolls to his side and rests his head on his hand. 

Harry is looking down at Peter’s lips. “Good.”

He rolls to mirror Peter’s position, and they’re just facing each other, neither one wanting to move or break the silence. Eventually they fall asleep.

Even Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally some good fuckng food
> 
> lowkey didn't even plan to write that scene with Peter, Sam, and Steve, but sometimes things just happen
> 
> as always, please comment and tell me how you're feeling about this chapter... or any chapter... or anything you want really


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I didn't post last week guys, I forgot to tell you all that I was going away and I wouldn't have my laptop with me. I'm back though, and I'm gonna try and get back in the groove of posting every saturday.
> 
> Here's some light angst to get back into the swing of things aha.

Three quiet knocks tear Peter out of his thoughts. He knows it’s Tony. He knows it’s time to talk. 

“Come in,” Peter calls, not in the mood to move from where he’s placed himself under the covers of his bed. 

Tony walks in and surveys the room before his eyes land on Peter. 

“Can I sit?” Tony gestures at the desk chair. 

Peter nods. 

“How was halloween? Did you do anything fun?” Tony asks, swivelling his chair back and forth slowly. 

Peter pulls the covers off of him, and sits cross legged. “It was…” Peter pauses, thinking about last night, “…really cool. I hung out with Harry, and we gave out candy together. He made me dress up.” 

“Who were you?” Tony asks, seeming genuinely interested.

“Link. We were both Link, actually. I was blue, and he was green.” Peter bites his lip to stop his grin from getting wider. This isn’t the time for smiling. “You know Legend of Zelda, right?” 

“Yeah,” Tony chuckles, “I’m not that old you know.” 

“Sorry, Mr. Stark. I didn’t mean it like that.” Peter looks down at his lap, the smile dropping from his face. 

They sit in silence for a little bit. Peter’s for sure not gonna be the first one to talk. He doesn’t even know what he would say; maybe it would be ‘Sorry I’m a screw up, and a failure. Please don’t be too harsh when you kick me out,’ but Peter’s not sure he’d be able to get through that without crying. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Tony again. 

Tony eventually gets into it. “Can we talk about the other day?”

Peter shrugs without looking up. It’s childish, and cowardly, but he’s already feeling his throat tighten up, and his eyes are starting to sting. 

“how about I tell you a story,” Tony says after a moment.

Peter looks up, his mind going blank for a second. “Okay, sure.” 

“A few years ago there was this thing that happened in New York. You probably remember it from when you were younger.” Tony takes a sharp breath, “It was the first time ‘The Avengers’ got together… and we’ve been through so much since then.” 

Tony stops for a second, so Peter speaks up. “Yeah, I remember that. I was a… well, I was a big fan of you when I was younger, so I read all the news on it, and I watched a ton of videos and stuff…” Peter purses his lips and remembers his school going into lockdown as they all crammed into the basement. He heard some of the teachers talking about what was going on outside, how they were all gonna die, how there were people trying to stop the aliens, how _Iron Man_ was there. 

“Did you hear about the missile?” Tony asks, his voice tight. 

Peter looks up, and sees Tony’s eyes are shut, and he’s taking a slow breath in. “Yeah, I heard about what you did. You saved everyone’s lives. You saved my life… all my friends’ too.” 

Tony lets out a dry laugh, no humour present. “Yeah, well, I wouldn’t have changed what I did. I’m really happy you’re here Peter.” Tony holds his gaze for a second. “But that’s not really why I’m telling you this.” 

Peter furrows his brow. He knows so much about the Avengers, and all the great things they’ve done already. Tony reminding him about it just makes him feel bad about how little he did to help during the last crisis. It completely contradicts with Tony saying he’s happy to have him around. It doesn’t make sense. 

“Then why…?” Peter doesn’t know how to finish the question. 

Tony takes another deep breath. “Well, for about a year after that, everything got worse. Pepper and I weren’t doing well. Everything was messy… and I almost hurt Pepper. Then I did hurt her… I still can’t forgive myself for what happened—” Tony gets a faraway look in his eyes for a second before he shakes his head a little, almost as if to clear his thoughts, “I stayed up for days. I didn’t want to sleep… I couldn’t sometimes, even if I did want to. I didn’t know what was happening. I was being reckless, and… well, the point is I wasn’t doing so hot. When the whole situation with the Mandarin was over, I needed something to change. I ended up getting surgery to remove the shrapnel from my chest. It was good for me to let it go. It was sorta symbolic in a way… I got rid of the thing that I always subconsciously tied to danger, and my past I guess.”

Peter almost wants to cry for a different reason now. He can’t believe how much Tony’s been through, and how strong he is for being able to do the things he does now. He knows that Tony has been run through the mud enough times by the press, but he knows that it’s not actually who he is. Tony is _good._ He always has been. 

And now here Peter is making it worse. 

“The thing is though, I didn’t do it alone.” Tony says, making eye contact again. “I had Pepper, and Rhody, and eventually I got professional help. I still see her, my therapist. It helps.” 

Now Peter gets it.

Tony doesn’t want to have to deal with him anymore, so he’s gonna try and get him to agree to see a shrink so he doesn’t have to tell Peter he has to leave the team for another reason. He’s gonna get a psychologist to recommend it, so he can have an excuse. Peter gets it. Tony doesn’t want to be the bad guy in this situation. In a weird way he’s looking out for Peter, but this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Peter doesn’t want it to happen like this. 

“That’s not what’s happening with me,” Peter’s voice is weaker than he would have liked for a declaration like this. Maybe a few of the things Tony said hit a little too close to home, but still.

“I’m not saying it is.” Peter can tell Tony is trying to tread lightly. “I just want you to know that everyone deals with things differently, and sometimes not in the best way, and it’s okay to get help.”

“I don’t need help.” Peter feels his chest tighten, and his heart start to pound faster.

Tony stands up. “I know. I just want you to know that you’re not alone, and _if_ you were to ever need it, you can come to me.” 

Peter is staring at the wall now, not really listening to Tony anymore. He can’t do this. Not again. 

“So this Harry kid?” Tony says, leaning on the doorframe. 

Peter’s eyes snap back into focus, and he looks at Tony. A smirk is forming on his face, and Peter knows he’s been found out. Sometimes he forgets how smart Tony really is. 

“Yeah. I don’t know about _him_ though.” Peter feels his face heating up in a blush. Maybe Tony won’t mind this part of him. Maybe _this_ is okay. 

“Tell me about him,” Tony says, voice soft. 

And it is okay.

* * *

For the second morning in a row, Peter wakes up to the sound of his alarm going off. He almost doesn’t believe it, but here he is, waking up to the sunrise. He decides today is going to be good. He’s not tired at all right now, and he has a feeling he won’t actually be tired until tonight. It’s a good feeling. 

He slips out of his room, and over to the bathroom, holding todays outfit. He wants to look nice at the party tonight, so he’s going to wear his only pair of black skinny jeans, and a blue button down. 

After a quick shower, he goes to put his binder on, but it’s loose, and it isn’t working the way he wants it to. When he takes a closer look in the mirror, he cringes. He’s lost weight, and not in a good way. He can see his hip bones jut out a little too prominently, and when he turns to the side he’s surprised by how little of him there actually is. 

For the first time in a long time, he takes off his binder and has a real look. 

It’s better than he expected. Still not good. It’s very far from good, but maybe this is better. He thinks he could almost get away with wearing a heavy sweater with nothing underneath, but there’s no way he’d ever have the courage to try that. Maybe if he loses a couple more pounds though, he’d be able to if he’s really feeling lazy. Maybe just a bit of tape will do the trick now. Even his hips have been reduced to almost an acceptable male size. Peter is surprised how much this new reflection of himself resembles the body types he’s always idolized. 

He lays down a few pieces of KT tape, and pulls his shirt on. He looks… good. He’s surprised at how natural it looks. Yeah, maybe the shirt is a half size too big, but that’s beside the point. When he pulls his pants on, they’re a bit big too, but it just makes him look a little lanky. That’s not a problem though, he’s always dreamt of looking like this naturally, and now he does. The other day he thought it was because of Harry’s clothes that he looked thinner than usual, but now, he thinks it might be something else. 

Peter doesn’t dwell on it too much. He doesn’t want to ruin his good mood by thinking about his body for too long. It never ends well. 

When he goes out into the kitchen to grab some breakfast, Tony is there making coffee. 

“Hey kid. Coffee?” He asks, opening the cupboard.

“No thanks,” Peter politely declines. 

He looks around for bread, or something like it, but there isn’t any. He goes for an apple instead because it’s quick, and he spent a little more time in the bathroom than he was intending. 

“I’ll see you later tonight?” Tony calls after him as he sweeps out of the kitchen. 

“Yeah, I’ll probably be out till one. I’ll call an uber or something to get back here.” 

“Text me when you’re ready. I can send you a driver,” Tony offers.

Peter pauses in the doorway. “Thanks, Mr. Stark. That would be awesome.”

He runs down the stairs and hops into the waiting vehicle.

* * *

“Do you wanna run to the store with me to grab some food and cups and stuff?” Harry asks Peter.

“Yeah, sure. Did you ask Ned and MJ too?” Peter looks around, as if his other two best friends would suddenly appear. 

“Yeah, I asked MJ last block, and I texted Ned, but they both said they needed to head home before coming over tonight.” Harry leans against the locker right beside Peter’s. He’s really close. 

Peter shoves all of his stuff into the locker. He finished his Chem work during lunch, and he had a quiz in Spanish, and a unit exam in History, so he doesn’t have any homework for the weekend. 

Harry walks Peter to his car, and they hop into their respective seats. 

“Do you drive?” Harry asks as he backs out of the student parking lot.

“Yeah, I have my license, but I don’t have a car. Maybe I’ll start saving up for one though.” Peter thinks about all the cars Tony has. His collection is amazing, but Peter hasn’t technically seen it. He’s heard a couple stories about them almost being wrecked when Tony was working on his first real suit though. 

“You can drive next time we hang out if you want, I don’t mind.” Harry navigates them closer to his neighbourhood.

Peter thinks about it for a second. He’s an extremely good driver, but some of it can be attributed to his extra senses, and crazy reflexes. It’s a bit unnatural to be honest. “That would be cool.”

They pull into the parking lot of a Walmart, and Peter suppresses a smile. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt this good. Maybe it’s being around Harry. Maybe it’s Tony accepting that he likes guys. Maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is though, Peter doesn’t want it to stop. 

Harry grabs a cart, and they start wandering down the aisles. 

“Hey, the Halloween candy is on sale, we should buy some.” Harry looks over at Peter, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah sure, we can put it out tonight if you want,” Peter agrees. 

They walk down the candy aisle, grabbing about five different boxes of sweets. They also pick up a few packs of Solo cups, an extensive amount of chips (and various dips), soda to make mixed drinks, and a few different kinds of pre-made trays of fruit and cheese and meat. 

It ends up being pretty expensive, and Peter wants to protest, but Harry just whips out a credit card and pays without a thought. The action reminds Peter so much of Tony, that for a second, he’s completely thrown off. He quickly shakes it off, and follows Harry out with the cart. 

“Where are you gonna get the alcohol from?” Peter asks once they’re back on the road. 

“Already got it. My dad has a bit of a stash…” Harry frowns for a second and his eyes flick away from the road, but his smile comes back within seconds, and he’s back to paying attention to driving. 

“Cool. I’m glad we don’t have to use a fake ID or something. Nobody ever believes I’m eighteen, let alone twenty one.” Peter breathes out a short laugh, “They mostly assume I’m fifteen or sixteen still.” 

Harry and him banter a bit about the pros and cons of looking younger than you are, but Peter has a weird feeling in the back of his mind. He didn’t like the face Harry made when he talked about his dad. He doesn’t _really_ think it meant anything, but he doesn’t like how unhappy Harry is with his family situation. It makes Peter want to do something about it, but he knows there’s nothing that would actually make it better.

* * *

People start trickling into the house, and drinks are pressed into hands without a second thought. While it’s not like Peter’s never had a drink before, he’s never actually been drunk, and he’s not actually sure if he can be. He’s never really pushed it though, so it’s hard to judge. Maybe Harry was right when he said Peter needs to come to more parties. 

Harry mixes up some vodka with Sprite and lime juice, and starts doling it out. Peter takes one when Harry offers. It’s pretty good. Much better than going for one of the beers Harry put out in a cooler. 

Ned and MJ arrive together, and both Harry and Peter hang out with them for awhile. Peter’s a bit nervous now with more people in the house. There’s people here that he didn’t know went to their school, and people who he’s not sure do go to their school. 

“How many people did you invite?” MJ asks Harry, looking around with a bit of distaste. 

Peter admires the image she creates, holding her red Solo cup, and looking around at everyone as if they were peasants. Peter likes that he doesn’t get looked at like that anymore. 

“I’m not really sure. I just put out the invite on my Instagram story a couple days ago, and told them to dm me for the address if they wanted to come.” Harry shrugs.

Peter furrows his brow. “But you have like ten billion followers!” 

“No, I only have a few thousand. I didn’t give my address to thousands of people though, only people who I actually know.” Harry rolls his eyes at Peter. 

“Still though,” Ned also looks around, “Like five new people just walked in.” 

“It’s a big house. I like having people around!” Harry tries to defend himself. 

“Yeah, you like having half the city show up at your doorstep,” Peter teases. 

Harry just takes a sip of his drink and stands up. “If you guys don’t appreciate my company, then I guess I’ll have to go find my other friends,” He announces.

“We’re just joking around, man.” Ned tries to get him to stay. 

“Nah, it’s cool. I think I’m gonna order some pizzas and wings now. Give the people what they want, and all that.” Harry waves his hand around vaguely before jogging upstairs so he can make the call where it’s a bit more quiet. 

After a little bit, Peter gets up to use the bathroom. When he gets back to the corner of the living room where they were sitting though, both Ned and MJ are gone, and Harry is nowhere to be seen. 

Peter turns around and wanders into the kitchen. He gets shoved forwards into the counter, and things suddenly slow down. He can feel his heart rate pick up, and his chest constricts. He looks around, and there’s just so many people. There’s a rushing in his ears, and the noise of the party is running together in one big jumble. 

He turns around, looking for… something to help, someone maybe, a way out, but a small glass gets shoved into his hand, and he hears someone ask ‘Take a shot with us Pete?’. It’s a female voice, that much he can tell, but he just feels so far away from his body, he can’t register who he’s talking to. 

Someone counts down from three, and he knocks it back. The glass gets filled again, and there’s shouts of ‘One more round’. Peter goes again, and the burn in his throat suddenly pulls him back into himself. The noise fades into the background, and everything snaps back into focus.

Cindy is in front of him, and Peter assumes it was probably her who asked if he wanted the drink. There’s a couple other people he knows from class that are likely to have put it in his hand in the first place. 

“Having fun?” Cindy asks, leaning on the counter, and grabbing a cracker from the tray next to her.

“Uhh, yeah…” Peter looks around, his head starting to feel a little foggy after the two consecutive shots. It’s not a bad feeling. “How about you?” He adds on after a second, not wanting to sound impolite. 

“Yeah, Harry’s house is amazing!” Cindy grabs a new cup off of the stack and holds one out to Peter. “I haven’t seen Harry at all tonight though, do you know where he’s been?” 

Peter takes the cup. “Yeah, I was talking to him earlier, but I don’t really know where he ran off to after that. I think he ordered some Pizzas, so maybe he’s waiting out front for the delivery?” He ends the sentence like it’s a question, but now he’s inclined to look there. 

“Do you like rum and coke?” Cindy asks, already having made her own drink.

Peter isn’t really sure if more alcohol is good for him right now, but the buzz he’s feeling isn’t unwelcome. “Sure, that sounds good.”

Once Cindy is done making a drink that Peter’s pretty sure ended up being 90 percent rum, she asks if he wants to go out front with her to see if Harry is out there. He chugs half the drink and they make their way out front. 

Once they shut the door, Peter realizes how dark it’s gotten. He hasn’t checked the time, but he doesn’t think it’s too late yet. 

“Hey guys,” A familiar voice calls from next to them.

“Hey Harry,” Cindy greets him, and they both turn to survey the scene. 

Harry’s sitting with his back against the wall, next to a fancy looking plant. There’s a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of Coke sitting next to him. 

Peter walks around to sit next to him, and Harry moves the bottles out of the way. Cindy also sits, but across from them, with her back to the street. 

“It’s kinda cold out here,” Cindy comments, “How long have you been sitting outside?”

“Only a few minutes. Pizza will be here soon, and I needed some air for a second,” Harry sounds perfectly sober, but he seems very relaxed. 

“Is it cool if we wait out here with you? We can help you carry the pizza inside,” Cindy offers. 

Peter wishes he’d said something nice like that. He knows it kinda goes without saying that he’d help, but saying it makes it that much nicer. 

“Totally. Thanks you guys.” Harry grins crookedly, and Peter’s heart melts a little at how dopey Harry looks. The wide smile is probably the only indicator that Harry is a little more intoxicated than it would seem. 

Cindy giggles. Harry offers them both the bottle. Peter shrugs, and Cindy nods. He produces a Solo cup from beside him, and pours a shot, first offering it to Cindy, and then following with Peter once she’s done hers. 

They both take a swig from the bottle of Coke to chase it down. Harry takes another drink, but doesn’t bother drinking from the soda bottle. Peter vaguely registers it as odd that he can just take it straight like that, but the haze in his mind is growing, and now all he can do is lean his head back against the wall and look at Harry. He really is quite pretty. 

Peter’s spider-sense prickles, and he almost ignores it. He doesn’t though, and Peter makes an attempt to perk up a bit, and look around, scanning for danger. When two bright headlights come down the street though, Peter realizes he was just sensing an impending car, and he watches the pizza delivery guy exit the vehicle with an obscene amount of food. 

The nerves from his spider sense are still going though, and Peter can feel himself start to sober. He isn’t ready for that yet though, so he grabs the bottle and takes a quick drink from it, chasing it with the pop Cindy holds out to him. 

The effects are almost instant, and when he goes to stand up to help Harry, he sways a bit before catching his balance. Once he’s steady, he grabs a stack of pizzas, carries them through the front door, Harry following with more pizza, and Cindy following with the wings and breadsticks Harry also bought. 

Peter feels his mouth start to water. He doesn’t remember the last time he was this hungry. Peter has a passing thought about him being hungry because he hasn’t actually eaten properly for a long time, but he pushes the thought out of his head. He can think about that another time. 

Harry directs them to the kitchen counter to stack the pizzas, and Peter gently places the boxes down. 

“You’re stronger than you look,” Harry jokes.

“I must look pretty strong then.” Peter grins, and finds himself unintentionally listing towards Harry.

Harry grabs his shoulders to steady him, and Peter giggles. “Sorry,” He apologizes. 

“It’s okay,” Harry smiles down at him, “Have you eaten anything tonight? I didn’t see you eat lunch either…” Harry suddenly looks concerned.

Even though he hasn’t, Peter has the urge to lie. It seems like Peter not eating really bothers Harry, and all he wants to do is make him happy. “Yeah, I’ve had chips and— and,” Peter waves his hand around, and watching it makes him a little dizzy, “A granola bar in fifth.” Peter finishes, his words running together a little. The truth is that he ate the apple he picked up this morning, and then drank a Monster in first block, but judging by Harry’s now relaxed look, he said the right thing. 

“Let’s just get you some pizza.” Harry squeezes his shoulder before letting go and opening one of the cardboard boxes.

The pizza is glistening with oil, and it honestly looks like the greatest thing Peter has ever seen, but there’s something in the back of his mind making him pause. 

His reflection this morning looked so good. Peter doesn’t want to go back to the way he was before. He doesn’t want to be _curvy_ or _feminine shaped._ Lanky looked good on him. 

It’s just… Harry. He doesn’t want to disappoint him, or worry him. Peter also thinks about how many calories he’s already consumed tonight from alcohol alone. What’s a few more? 

Peter closes his eyes to get his bearings, suddenly very aware of the pounding music, and the swarm of people filtering in and out of the room. He watches in slow motion as Harry stacks a couple pieces of pizza onto a paper plate. Cindy is leaning against the table, talking to Harry, who laughs at something she said. Peter can’t hear her though. The rushing in his ears is too loud, and Peter doesn’t think he can ride through this again.

He starts feeling cold, while simultaneously noticing a drop of sweat trickle down his forehead. He’s hot and cold all at once, and Peter can’t help but shiver. 

Please not here. Please not now. Please not _again._

Peter’s chest constricts, and his heart is pounding against his chest, louder than the music. Everyone must be able to hear it. He can see shapes moving around him, but only shapes. He can’t think… he can’t breath… he can’t… he can’t… he…

“Peter, open the door!” Harry’s voice carries through the fog, and Peter looks at himself in the mirror. When did he get into the bathroom?

His face is streaked with tears, and there’s a thin sheen of sweat covering his forehead. The bags under his eyes are purple and he’s extremely flushed.

There’s a harsh knocking, and Peter realizes he must’ve run away again… only this time, he doesn’t remember. 

He splashes some water on his face, and then calls through the door that he’ll be out in a second. Peter takes another look at himself and straightens out his hair, and fixes his collar. He quickly uses the toilet, and then takes one last deep breath before exiting the bathroom with a smile plastered on his face. His theory is: if he acts drunk enough, maybe Harry won’t question him. 

That’s the plan until he can actually drink enough to forget everything about tonight. He’d rather not remember at this point. 

“Shit, Peter, you scared me!” Harry tugs him into his arms, and Peter’s arms are stuck at his sides. 

After a couple seconds, Harry lets go. 

“Sorry, I had to get out of there for a second. I’m good now though,” Peter nods a little, looking up at Harry, and folds his hands together to mask their shaking. 

Harry’s face contorts into a strange expression Peter’s never seen before, and it looks like he’s about to protest, so Peter shuts him down. 

“Can we please just forget about this. _Please._ ” Peter bites his lip and tries to keep eye contact with Harry, so he knows Peter’s serious. 

After several beats of contemplation, Harry agrees they can both go down to the party again. 

“But you need to eat something. Drinking on an empty stomach is really shitty,” Harry declares, and Peter decides not to fight back right now. 

So, they go back downstairs. Peter eats three pieces of pizza, and then downs four more shots. After falling into a sleepy, but content haze, he doesn’t really remember the rest of the night.

* * *

Peter blinks his eyes open to rays of sunlight hitting his face. He struggles to a sitting position, but a wave of dizziness and nausea washes over him. He closes his eyes again, and doesn’t move until the feelings pass. 

The second time he opens his eyes, he moves slowly. The room around him is familiar; it’s Harry’s, Peter confirms after a second. 

He looks over to the other side of the bed, but Harry is nowhere to be found. Peter grabs his phone, hoping he at least texted Tony that he wouldn’t make it back. 

Guilt starts creeping into the corner of Peter’s mind. What would Mr. Stark think about this? What if he texted something crazy to him while he was inebriated? 

When the text chat opens, the worry mostly fades. He’s probably still gonna get in trouble though.

_Hows the shindig kid? -Tony_

_i’m hvaing a Greaat time -Peter_

_Are you being safe? -Tony_

_safe lol.. yeah. i’m eatng Boneless wingss -Peter_

_Boneless ha!! -Peter_

_same -Peter_

_Sounds fun, do you still want me to send you a car? -Tony_

_i’m talking to harry -Peter_

_just giv eme a seccc -Peter_

_harry says it’s okayy ifi stay at his hiuse -Peter_

_Sounds good, kid. Please text if you need anything. Call in the morning if you need me to send a car -Tony_

Peter rubs his temples, partially trying to ease the massive headache that’s coming on, and partially trying to will himself out of existence after seeing what he texted Tony.

He makes an attempt to stand, but the world tilts sideways, and he has to catch himself on the edge of the bed as he tips to the side. The nausea comes back full force, and Peter knows he won’t be able to ride it out this time, so he flings himself in the direction of the bathroom. 

By some miracle, he makes it, and leans into the bowl. 

Harry walks in to find Peter heaving into the toilet. 

“Morning Pete,” He says softly, putting a light hand on his back and rubbing in slow circles. 

Peter tries to say something, but it comes out as more bile into the toilet. 

“Here, let me just…” Harry moves away, rummaging in his cupboards for a second, “How’s that?” Harry asks as he pulls Peter’s hair into a loose ponytail, similar to how it was on Halloween. 

“Thanks,” Peter manages to croak out. His throat is raw, and his voice comes out lower than usual. 

Harry produces a glass of water, and after some light sipping, and a bit of dry heaving, Peter feels like he’s ready to get up again. He doesn’t know how long he was on the floor, clinging to the toilet bowl, but he’s thankful Harry sat with him the whole time. He’s a bit embarrassed about how he looked, but Peter’s head is throbbing too much for him to actually care. 

“You hungry yet?” Harry asks, following him closely as they make their way to the kitchen. 

Peter doesn’t really think he ever wants to eat again. “Ehh, not really…”

“I’m gonna make myself some eggs. I’ll make some for you too,” Harry starts pulling cupboards open, “Only way to cure a hangover is food and water.” 

“And you’d know so much about that,” Peter quips, meaning for it to come off as a joke.

Harry’s face darkens for a second though, and he turns away from Peter. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Somehow, despite how terrible Peter already feels, it somehow manages to get worse. He didn’t mean to hit a sore spot for Harry. “Sorry. That was insensitive of me. I didn’t mean anything by it…” Peter tries.

Harry sighs. “It’s fine.” He doesn’t turn around, but his voice is a little lighter. 

They fall into silence, Peter occasionally sipping on his glass of water, and Harry flitting around the kitchen, clearly making more than just eggs. The kitchen is spotless now, and Peter glances at the clock. It’s just past nine, so Harry must’ve been up early cleaning. He swivels the bar stool and glances into the living room behind him; it’s also spotless. 

The state of the house almost makes Peter question if the previous night actually happened at all, but he can see the empty pizza boxes and Solo cups piled in a plastic bag when Harry opens the broom closet to grab something. 

“How are you not hungover?” Peter finally breaks the silence. 

“I have a pretty high tolerance…” Harry avoids eye contact. 

“Thanks for letting me stay over. I don’t know if I thanked you last night,” Peter changes the subject. Harry doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. 

“You spent like ten minutes thanking me for letting you stay,” Harry laughs, and gives Peter a funny look, “You don’t remember?” 

Peter furrows his brow. “No— I don’t really remember a lot of last night to be honest. It all kinda went fuzzy after I started eating the pizza,” Peter admits. 

Harry’s face falls a little. “Oh, umm,” he seems to struggle finding the right words, “Well you seemed to be having fun.” He finishes lamely, and Peter can tell he’s holding something back. 

“Did I say something…?” Peter asks, suddenly nervous. He really hopes he didn’t do something stupid. 

Harry’s face flashes quickly through several emotions. “…no. It’s nothing.” 

“Okay. Did we ever manage to catch up with Ned and MJ again?” Peter asks, pulling his phone out to text Tony. He should be getting back soon; even though he wants to spend more time with Harry, he knows he should leave for a number of reasons. 

“Yeah, they snagged us to say goodbye right before they left.” Harry holds out a plate for Peter to take. 

He accepts it, thanking Harry, and looks down. There’s a heap of scrambled eggs next to some fried potatoes, and two slices of toast. Peter doesn’t know the last time he’s eaten so much in such a short time frame. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to eat this all on a good day, let alone now when he still feels a bit queasy from his run in with the toilet this morning. 

Harry slides onto the stool next to him and puts his own plate in front of him. It’s got the same stuff on it, so Peter assumes this is a normal breakfast for Harry. Peter doesn’t know how to feel about that. 

_Hey, sorry about last night. I know I sounded pretty wrecked… Do you think you’d be able to send a car? -Peter_

Peter shoots a text to Tony before he picks up his fork, pointedly ignoring his previous texts in the conversation. He doesn’t get a chance to take a bite though, because the reply is almost immediate. 

_He’ll be there in 30. Don’t sweat it, kid, it sounded like you were having a good time. -Tony_

_Thanks, Mr. Stark -Peter_

Peter still doesn’t understand why Tony is being so nice to him, even more so now. All he does is repeatedly disappoint him, and he keeps giving Peter second chances. There must be some kind of catch… or some other reason why Tony keeps doing the things he does for Peter. 

“Who’re you texting?” Harry asks, leaning over.

Peter quickly shuts his phone off, and puts it down on the table next to his plate. “Nobody,” He answers, but it’s too late. Harry’s mouth is hanging open, and Peter knows he saw the contact name. 

“You know Tony Stark?” Harry asks, eyes wide, “Like, _Iron Man,_ Tony Stark?”

Peter considers lying, but he’s already in way too deep with all the lying he’s been doing lately, he can hardly keep track of it now. Maybe he should keep a journal. “Uhh, yeah. He’s kinda my boss. Like, I intern for him, I mean. He runs the program, so… yeah,” Peter isn’t sure how much he should explain. 

“That’s sick. I thought the name ‘Stark internship’ didn’t actually include the man himself. Have you met the Avengers? Like Captain America? Or Spiderman?” Harry asks with way more enthusiasm than Peter would’ve expected from him. 

“Uh, yeah. I’ve met a couple of them.” Peter doesn’t want to lie. He’s so _tired_ of lying. Also… Harry seems to think Spiderman is a regular Avenger. 

“What were they like?” 

“To be honest,” Peter looks down for a second, memories flitting through his head, “They’re pretty cool. I don’t know. It’s hard to describe them,” Peter has such complex feelings about all of them right now, and he can’t exactly just start talking about the struggles of being Spiderman. 

“When did you even get a chance to see them?” Harry presses.

Peter’s mind races to find a plausible reason for some lowly intern to meet the Avengers. “Tony brought me to the Avengers headquarters to do some work, and I just happened to pass by a couple of them on my way to the labs. I barely met them.”

“That’s still pretty cool. I always wish I could do something like that… give back maybe. Just be something more,” Harry’s voice fades, and he takes another mindless bite of his breakfast. 

Peter’s barely started eating, so he forces down a couple more bites of the egg.

* * *

_Idk if you saw me a whole lot last night, but please tell me I didn’t do anything stupid.. -Peter_

_mj and i left a little after you started pounding down those shots. we came and said goodbye, and you talked for like ten minutes about how great a friend I am, and then you winked and said ‘both of me can trust you with anything’ and then you started laughing. -Ned_

_I’m literally a dumbass -Peter_

_nah, it was kinda funny. You seemed really happy last night to be honest -Ned_

Now that Ned’s mentioning it, it’s starting to come back to him. He rolls over onto his stomach and recalls. 

After he got back downstairs, he ate the pizza, then decided he didn’t want to feel bad about eating the pizza, so he started another round of shots. Then he ended up flirting with a blond girl in his English class (she’s possibly also in his History class, but he’s not exactly sure who it actually was), and then when some other guy put his arm around her he started flirting with him. Then Ned and Michelle came to his rescue to pull him away and say goodbye, and he went on his rant to Ned.

Peter isn’t quite as clear on what happened next, but he has a vague memory of something happening between him, Cindy, and Harry. He doesn’t know exactly what happened, but after they went outside, they stuck together for the rest of the evening. 

“Dinner, kid,” Tony calls through his bedroom door. 

“I’m not hungry right now,” Peter calls back. He still feels a bit off after his night of drinking, and he doesn’t really want a repeat of this mornings make-out session with the toilet. 

He also already talked with Tony this morning after he got back from Harry’s place, so he doesn’t really feel the need to go out and socialize. It was a bit awkward, but mostly because Tony seemed to be holding something back. He told Peter that it was okay for him to go out and have fun just like any other high school student, and that he shouldn’t worry about it, but Peter could tell Tony wasn’t being completely genuine. 

Tony is still behind his door, and Peter doesn’t know if he’s supposed to know that. There’s a near silent sigh, and another pause. Peter can almost feel the tension rolling off Tony. He knows he’s the cause, but he’s not sure what he did wrong this time. Maybe it’s just a mix of everything. 

Soft footfalls eventually tell Peter that Tony is walking to the kitchen. Peter bites his lip. Maybe he should’ve gone out, even just to socialize with whoever’s actually here today. He’s pretty sure he saw Steve while he was walking down to the labs with Tony. 

It doesn’t matter now though; Peter can’t just waltz in and announce he’s changed his mind. That would look stupid. Instead, he rolls over, and pulls the covers over him. He’s been cold lately, so the warm comforter feels nice.

* * *

Peter wakes up crying and confused, not remembering when he fell asleep, and images of things he’d rather forget flashing behind his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment and critique. I'm a bit unsure about how this chapter played out, so any insight would help a lot. 
> 
> Also... thanks so much to my regular commenters, you guys really mean a lot to me, and it's super helpful to get something new from you guys when I post. I really do appreciate you all!
> 
> Hope you liked this one :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost didn't make it to post today because life's been super busy lately, but hopefully I can still keep pulling the once a week schedule. 
> 
> Disclaimer for this chapter: I know nothing about medicine and injuries. If there are any inaccuracies, please forgive me, and know that I wrote something that would work into the story even if it's a little off. I did try and research as best as I could, but Peter is kinda different than the average human as well, so I had to think about that too aha. 
> 
> Anyway, have some chapter !

“Are you guys all gonna go to homecoming?” Harry asks the group. 

MJ raises her eyebrows at Peter, and flicks them to Harry for a millisecond. Peter blinks sternly at her, but she just smirks into her cup as she takes another sip of her tea. 

“I was planning on asking someone to go, but if that doesn’t go as planned, then maybe we could all just go as a group?” Ned suggests.

“Who’s the lucky lady?” Harry asks.

Ned just shakes his head. “I don’t wanna say. I’ll look pretty stupid if it doesn’t work out. Maybe I’ll tell you guys later and we can all laugh about it.” 

“I think it’ll work out. You’re actually pretty cool Ned.” Michelle nods at Ned, and hints of a supportive smile ghost her lips.

“Yeah. I don’t think anyone would say no to you,” Peter says, trying to be supportive.

Peter hasn’t been doing very well since Harry’s party. The nightmares are still happening more frequently than not, and some nights, Peter’s just started staying with an energy drink and working on some of the projects Tony has set him up with. It’s really not ideal, but he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do instead. 

“Maybe I’ll come back with good news then.” Ned shrugs.

“I wouldn’t mind going as a group if that’s what ends up happening,” Harry says, “Is it just like a football game and then a dance?”

Peter slumps forwards and picks at his nails, tuning out of the conversation. He doesn’t really feel like going to homecoming at all. Ever since homecoming a few years ago, he just can’t seem to get into the whole ‘school dance with a fun date’ scene. Ned and MJ asked him to go last year, and he went for them, but he left pretty early after he started to get antsy and anxious. He spent most of that evening on patrol afterwards. 

“… but I don’t know if Peter will want to go this year.” Ned finishes, and Peter’s ears perk up at the sound of his name.

“Yeah… I don’t know. It’s not really my thing.” Peter sighs and reaches into his backpack for a Monster. 

Harry frowns at him, but he ignores it and starts drinking. It kicks in after a couple minutes, and Peter can feel his vision sharpening a little. All of his senses sharpen actually, and he can feel adrenaline flow through him. 

This has been the general problem with drinking energy drinks. Either he’s tired and jumpy, or he’s hopped up on caffeine and paranoid. He just wants something in the middle… or something that would take the edge off so he’d be able to sleep. Alcohol worked at Harry’s party, but Peter doesn’t think he’d be able to keep up with life if he’s constantly drinking. He doesn’t really need liver problems either, even though he’s pretty sure he’d be fine because of his healing factor. 

“Isn’t that like, your third one today?” Harry asks Peter after a few minutes of silence. 

Peter is suddenly angry. He knows what he’s doing. He wouldn’t be drinking it if he had other options. “Yeah, but it’s none of your business!” Peter says forcefully. 

He grabs his bag and stands up. Peter can’t be around his friends right now. Harry is always on his case for whatever reason. If it’s not about how many energy drinks he’s had in the last hour, it’s about how tired he always seems, or how he doesn’t hang out with them enough, or how he seems to have changed so much since the beginning of the year. 

Harry can mind his own fucking business. 

Peter storms out of the cafeteria, and straight outside to the parking lot behind the school. He tosses his stuff onto the top of a picnic table, and slumps down onto the bench.

“Hey Peter, are you okay?” A girl Peter recognizes from his history class walks up to the table and leans against the side. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Peter looks at her expectantly, willing her to leave him alone. He doesn’t want to be rude like this, but he really can’t handle being around people right now. 

“You don’t seem fine.” She shrugs. 

“Okay. Thanks for telling me how I feel.” Peter pinches the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Damn, I’m sorry for caring.” She scowls and turns around to walk away. 

Peter sighs, anger draining, and guilt replacing it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Thanks… for trying to talk to me.” Peter grimaces; smiling for real just doesn’t really feel like an option right now.

She turns back around, and smiles sadly at him. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

“Thanks for the offer, but it’s really nothing. I’m just having a rough day I guess. I didn’t get enough sleep last night,” Peter rambles without really saying anything. 

“That sucks. Maybe you should skip and go home or something. I’m sure the school wouldn’t miss you too much. You were like second in our class last year, weren’t you?”

Peter bites his lip. “Yeah, I guess I was. I don’t know about this year though…” Peter thinks back to his last couple unit exams. He’d managed to sneak by with a 79% in Chem, and an 81% in Spanish, but he’d gotten a 68% in Calculus which is a number Peter’s never seen in his life on an exam. It’s not even that he doesn’t know the stuff (well, maybe he doesn’t really pay attention in Spanish anymore, so he’s getting by with what he learned last year) it’s actually really easy, but he can’t focus anymore. Peter finds himself increasingly unfocussed sitting in the classroom, either too preoccupied with what’s going on around him, or thinking too much about how he can keep himself awake. In his distracted state, he managed to mess up questions that used to be so easy for him, he could do them in his sleep.

“Why? Are you having trouble with any of our course work this year?” She sits down across from him, “I could help if you want. I tutor a bunch of people, so it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

Peter doesn’t need a tutor, he knows that, but it’s a nice offer. At this point he’s just glad that he can still pull semi-okay grades out of nothing this year.

The realization hits him like a freight train: he doesn’t really care if his grades don’t get better. He’s never not cared this much in his entire life.

“Thanks for the offer, but I’m okay. I just need to get back on my game, really.”

“If you’re sure then.” She smirks, standing up and grabbing her bag, “I was top of the class last year though, so I might be able to teach you a thing or two.” She starts walking back to the school, “See you around.”

Gwen Stacey. That’s who she is. Peter mentally face palms. He should’ve known immediately considering she’s been just ahead of him every year they’ve gone to school together. Peter watches her walk back into the school, long blond hair disappearing behind the heavy door. 

A gust of wind hits Peter, and he realizes he’s been shivering. He didn’t bother putting a coat on earlier, because he felt so hot from anger, but now he’s freezing. Peter wraps his arms around himself and stands to go back inside. He could leave and try for a nap, but he knows deep down that he won’t be able to sleep either way, especially with how he left things with his friends earlier.

* * *

He spends gym class actively avoiding his friends, and leaves as soon as he possibly can to change in the bathrooms.

English is fine. Gwen is in that class too, Peter notices. She smiles at him, and he gives her a two fingered wave. 

History is where things get worse though. 

Peter walks in and takes his usual seat towards the back. A few seconds later though, Ned sits down and asks if they can talk. 

“Not right now, okay, man?” Peter grumbles, trying to be nice. Ned really didn’t do anything wrong. It’s Harry he’s mad at right now… and he didn’t do anything wrong either. 

Peter bites his lip. He’s mad at himself really. He just can’t seem to do anything right, and he’s taking it out on his friends.

“After school then?” Ned looks hopeful. 

Peter sighs. “Fine.”

By the end of class though, Peter is practically bouncing with nervous energy. He doesn’t feel like discussing things with Ned right now even if he knows he should. And he really should. He’s been so terrible lately, and he can’t fix it. He just wants a break from thinking about everything. He just isn’t up to discuss things. Peter literally doesn’t think he can without having another breakdown, and he certainly doesn’t want to go through another one of those. 

So, Peter bolts out of class as soon as the bell rings, puts his suit on, and decides to go patrolling. 

He swings around for awhile, making his way through the city. The adrenaline he gets from travelling the city like this is the good kind, and it calms his nerves a bit. He doesn’t appreciate this part of the job enough. The wind is hitting him at full force though, and even though his suit is insulated, he can feel a chill running through his body. 

Something catches his eye down inside a corner store in a bit of a deserted area, so Peter swings down to see what’s going on. 

He lands on an awning a couple doors away, and drops to the ground. Suddenly, Peter starts feeling off. There’s spots forming in front of his eyes, and he feels almost nauseous. He takes a deep breath, and tries to blink his vision clear.

Whatever the case, Peter can now see that there’s a man in the corner store pointing a gun at the terrified cashier. He needs to act fast, or something bad is going to happen. He can’t let something happen right now, he’s just started to feel a little bit better. His spider-sense is tingling, and usually he would take an extra second to scope for more danger, but he can’t wait any longer. 

He runs through the door of the store, and shoots a web at the gun. It attaches, and Peter yanks it to the floor. The man yells something, and starts barreling towards Peter. He jumps up and pulls himself over a display and into the next aisle of the store. His head spins for a second, and he braces himself against the display so he doesn’t stumble. 

A gunshot sounds, and Peter feels pressure in his shoulder. There’s another man standing in front of him with a gun, and Peter rapidly fires webbing at him to disable his gun and pin him to the wall at his back. 

The first guy rounds the corner, and Peter is slammed into the floor as the man tackles him. He starts pounding on Peter’s face, and he struggles to throw the guy off him. He’s at an awkward angle, but once he finds an opening, he slams both hands into the mans chest, throwing him to the floor. 

Peter tries to get up, but he feels weak all of a sudden. The guy is starting to get up, so Peter shoots some webs at his hands and feet, attaching him to the floor. 

His vision is starting to go fuzzy, and there’s a burning pain just under his collarbone. Why is he so hot all of a sudden? Peter stumbles to the side, and he hears the sound of distant sirens. He can’t pass out now.

Peter struggles to keep his eyes open, and he puts pressure where the pain is centred with his good arm, while the other hangs rather limply at his side. The floor tilts as he takes another step, and his head is spinning. He can’t have lost that much blood yet. He just needs… he just…

He sinks to the floor, still pressing against his wound. He clenches and unclenches his empty hand as his vision fades in and out. At least he still has feeling in his arm. That must be a good sign. 

Peter lets his eyelids droop. The last thing he hears is a mechanical whirring, and then nothing.

* * *

Soft voices gently coax Peter out of his slumber. He can’t open his eyes, but he attempts to talk. It comes out a garbled moan. 

He starts to hear more clearly now, and his eyes crack open. Theres a fog around the edges of his vision, and he feels almost like he’s floating. Where is he? 

His head rolls to the side, and he can see that he’s in the compound. It must be one of the rooms in the lab because he can see the equipment on the other side of the glass walls around the door. The lights are off except in the room Peter is in, and all of the little pieces of tech that always give off a faint glow. 

Tony is standing just outside the room, partially in shadow, and he’s talking to someone who’s standing barely out of Peter’s view. 

What is he doing here?

The fog clears almost instantly as the memories flash through Peter’s mind. He was shot. He was so stupid. How long has he been out? 

His stomach drops. 

Peter slowly pulls back the covers and looks down at what he’s wearing. It’s a standard hospital gown with clips on the front so there’s access to his wound. Tony knows. Tony has _seen_ him like this. 

Shit. _Shit._

Peter tries to sit up, but lets out a small sound when a there’s a stabbing pain just below his right collarbone. He’s forced back into a reclined position. 

Tony steps into the room, and walks up to the bed.

“You’re awake,” He says, “I saw you try and sit up… it’s probably best if you don’t do that for a little bit.” 

Peter can feel tears prick his eyes. This wasn’t supposed to happen. “Yeah… I guess I shouldn’t.” 

He looks away from Tony, and examines the ceiling. He can’t do this right now. It’s all happening at once, and he’s not ready to go. 

“Look at me, kid,” Tony says softly.

Peter shakes his head, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“Peter.” 

That one word sets off a waterfall, and Peter has tears streaming down his face. He’s not moving, or making any sound, but the tears won’t stop. 

Tony isn’t talking, so Peter knows he’s not going to unless he looks at him. It’s almost cruel that he’s making Peter look him in the eye as he discards him, but it’s probably for the best this way. 

He turns his head, and looks Tony in the eye. His eyes are glassy, and Peter is taken aback. He didn’t think Tony would be this emotional about it. 

“I know things haven’t been easy for you in the last few months, and I know I haven’t done enough to make it better, but— but, I want you to know that I’m so glad you’re okay,” Tony takes a step closer, and lightly grips Peter’s forearm, “I know you’re not fine, and if I had— if I… I’m just glad you’re here now.” 

The sincerity in Tony’s voice hits Peter like a punch to the gut. Maybe, just maybe, he’s not lying. Tony Stark wouldn’t go to great lengths like this for some stupid kid unless he actually cared. 

Tony cares. 

Sobs roll through Peter, and it hurts his collarbone, but he can’t stop. 

“I’m—I’m so— I’m so sorry,” He chokes out between sobs, “I’m try— I’m trying to be— to be better.” Peter takes in a deep breath, and tries to get a hold of himself. “I know I’m a failure. I just— I’m trying to be better. I just can’t,” Peter sucks in another breath. “I just can’t do it. I’ve tried everything, and I— I can’t be _better._ ”

“Hey,” Tony moves his hand to Peter’s bicep and squeezes, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not, though!” Peter sobs. 

Tony looks up for a second, and when he looks back down at Peter there are tears running down his face. “What _happened_ was not okay. What you’ve been doing to yourself is not okay. How you’ve been living is not okay—” Tony’s voice breaks on the last word. “But you’re alive, and you’re going to be okay. Please just let me help you… or let someone help. Please stop keeping everything to yourself. I know everyone here cares so much about you. Please don’t force yourself to go through this alone.”

Peter is silent. Everything Tony said… it’s just… it can’t be that simple for him. He can’t just let everyone fix his mistakes. He needs to be able to do it alone. He can’t let them in to help. If he still can’t do it with help, then everybody’s gonna know the truth about him. 

“I know what you’re thinking, and I just want you to try,” Tony says. “I’ve been there. I know how you feel right now, and it’s scary to need help, but _nobody_ can do everything by themselves.”

The tears have slowed, and they sit in silence for a few minutes. Neither of them seem to have the right words. 

After a little bit, Peter suddenly remembers again. 

“Are we… are we gonna talk about the, um, the…” Peter still has trouble saying it, and his eyes flick down to his chest, and back up to Tony. He can’t say it. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tony asks softly. There’s a look in his eyes, and any doubt about Tony knowing who he really is dissipates.

Peter’s bottom lip trembles, and he bites down on it. He can feel his eyes start to sting again, and he knows he’s about to cry again. He doesn’t know how many tears he has left at this point. 

“I, uhh. I didn’t want to say anything at first… and then the longer I didn’t tell you… I know you know now, but I’m, uh…” Peter trails off, not wanting to say it out loud.

“It’s okay, kid. If you don’t want to do this now, or at all for that matter, then you don’t have to.” Tony gives his arm a light squeeze. 

Peter swallows hard, a tear escaping from the corner of his eye. He has to do this. “I’m transgender.”

Tony smiles a little and nods. “I know, kid.”

“And…?” Peter doesn’t know what he’s asking.

“And it’s _okay._ ” Tony looks him in the eye, “You’re the same kid you’ve always been. That’s why they call you Spider _man._ ” Tony cracks a smile after he says that, and Peter can’t help smiling as well.

A few more tears fall, but he’s just so relieved that Tony still wants him around. 

“You should probably get some more rest,” Tony says after a moment, “I’ll get out of your hair.”

Tony takes his hand off Peter’s arm, and turns to leave. 

Without thinking, Peter blurts out, “Please stay.” 

Tony turns back around. “Of course, kid.” He pulls a chair up and sits down. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

* * *

The next time Peter wakes up, Tony is sleeping in the chair next to him, and the lights in the lab are back on. He attempts to stretch out a little, but moving too much isn’t really working out for him. He lets out a hiss when the pain gets to be too much, and he slowly lowers himself back into the reclined sitting position he fell asleep in. 

Tony stirs, but doesn’t seem to be waking up. He just sort of lets out a sigh, and his head rolls a little to the side. It looks uncomfortable, but Peter doesn’t want to wake him up. 

Peter reaches to the side and finds a little remote with buttons to control the bed. He pushes one in, and the bed sits him up further. He really wants to get up and walk around now, but he still doesn’t really know the extent of the damage from the gunshot. 

The fact that Peter doesn’t feel a whole lot better right now is pretty alarming to him. He knows his regeneration usually allows him to walk off minor injuries within a couple of hours. He’s never been shot before though, and he’s never broken any bones to his knowledge. 

He’s been pretty beat up before though, and he was usually back up and on patrol within a week or two. 

Peter sees his phone on the side table next to him, as well as a cup of water with a straw. He reaches for the water first, taking a few sips to rehydrate after his night of crying. There’s an IV in his arm, so he’s sure he’s getting pumped full of fluids, but his mouth is super dry, and his throat feels rough. 

He grabs his phone after he puts the water back down on the table. When he reads the date, he’s relieved to see it’s just Thursday morning, so he’s only been out for about 16 hours (excluding the short period of time he took to talk to Tony when he first woke up).

There’s a couple text message notifications, and several missed calls, so Peter goes to look at them. 

_“Peter, it’s May. Tony Stark called me, and I heard what happened…”_

Peter’s eyes widen. Tony wouldn’t tell May what actually happened, would he?

_“I’m so glad you’re okay… Tony says I can come visit if you’re alright with that, so please call back when you get this. I know I haven’t been around, but things are tight right now. I’ll see if I can cut back on some of my shifts so you can come home. I can take care of you until you’re good enough to go back to school… I love you Peter, please call back.”_

So he did tell her. Peter doesn’t know what he told her, but he definitely made it seem bad enough. May sounded like she was about three seconds from losing it. 

Tony’s still sleeping, so Peter texts May instead.

_Sorry for worrying you. You can come visit if you want, but they have a really good setup here, so it’s okay if you need to keep your extra shifts. I don’t mind hanging out here for awhile. -Peter_

He moves onto the texts.

_Hey. I hope you’re doing okay. You weren’t at school this morning. Harry and Ned are talking themselves into a bigger freak out than necessary. I told them they were only allowed to freak out if we didn’t hear from you by the end of the day. Text them back -MJ_

_Sorry… I was feeling sick this morning. It must be the flu or something. I’ll text Ned and Harry -Peter_

Peter almost does feel sick to his stomach after realizing Ned probably knows what happened to Spiderman, and therefor, to Peter. He’s probably worried that he’s dead, and Harry contributing with his own worry probably isn’t helping.

_Peter, please don’t ignore me -Ned_

_Text me back you jerk. Don’t do leave me hanging. Not cool -Ned_

_I don’t know why you ran away after class, but will you please talk to me about it. I know I can’t stop you from doing what you want, but will you at least tell me what’s going on? -Ned_

_I saw something in the news about Spiderman being caught on camera tonight. It looked kinda bad -Ned_

_Did you get shot? -Ned_

_Please text me back and tell me you’re okay -Ned_

_Peter, I swear if you don’t text me back man -Ned_

_C’mon, like send me two words or something -Ned_

_I’m literally going to break into the Avengers compound if you don’t text me back -Ned_

_I know I’m not helping by bombarding you with texts, but please let me know if you’re okay when you can. I’m just really worried -Ned_

Peter bites his lip. His eyes are starting to water. The gravity of what he did yesterday is hitting him like a train. 

He left Ned hanging. He went on patrol. He got hurt. 

Ned probably thinks he’s dead. Peter has the sudden urge to slap himself… bang his head against the wall… anything to punish himself for what he’s done. He needs to pay for this. This is a new all time low for him. 

He doesn’t care what Tony says. This is unforgivable. 

_I’m okay. I did get shot, but I’m healing. I need to talk to you in person. I’m so sorry. I told the others I have the flu. Please don’t worry about me. -Peter_

There’s probably nothing he could tell Ned at this point that would make this okay, but he does need to talk to him, if only to apologize and beg for forgiveness. 

He wipes a few tears from his cheek. They managed to leak out while he was writing up his text. Peter doesn’t deserve to cry right now, though. He’s the one who fucked up. 

He moves onto texts from Harry next. 

_are you okay? you didn’t show up for chem this morning.. -Harry ___

_Ned seems really worried, please text one of us back -Harry_

Peter closes his eyes. He fucked up so bad. 

_I think I have the flu. I might not be in for a couple days. Sorry I didn’t text sooner. I had a rough night and I just woke up -Peter_

Tony stirs next to him, and this time Peter can tell he’s actually waking up. Peter quickly closes his phone, and wipes his face again. He’s sure he looks terrible, but maybe Tony will just assume it’s because of what happened yesterday. 

“Have you been awake long?” Tony asks. 

“Uhh, no.” Peter wipes his face again. “Maybe ten minutes or so.” 

“Sorry I wasn’t awake.” Tony stands up and rolls his shoulders. “I should probably get Bruce in here to check you out.” 

“Yeah, okay. Sorry I made you sleep in the chair…” Peter’s voice is rough. 

“Don’t sweat it, kid. I’ve slept in worse places.” Tony starts walking out, “I’ll be back in a little bit. I’ll bring breakfast and Dr. Banner.” 

“Thanks, Mr. Stark.” 

After about ten minutes, Tony comes back with a tub of yogurt, some fruit, granola, and a glass of what Peter assumes to be apple juice. Peter flicks his eyes down, looking at his lap. 

“Breakfast of champions.” Tony gently places the tray on Peter’s lap, “See if this is okay…” 

“Thanks, Mr. Stark.” Peter can’t seem to bring himself to say anything else to Tony. 

Tony seems to take the hint, and he slowly leaves the room, looking back at Peter for a long second after he’s out of the door, before going upstairs. 

Peter puts the tray to the side. The thought of eating right now is making him feel sick. 

“Hey, Peter.” Bruce walks in, wearing a lab coat, and holding a clipboard, “Mind if we talk for a little bit?” 

Peter tries to say something, but his voice isn’t working. He nods, and Bruce sits down next to the bed. 

“Sorry Helen’s not here to do this with me, she’s in Seoul right now.” He pauses, looking down at the clipboard, “Let’s go over the injuries you sustained first, and then we can start talking about some other points I’d like to get into,” Bruce says, no hint of judgement in his voice. 

Peter nods again. 

“So, you were very lucky with the placement of the bullet, and the fact that the weapon was only a handgun. The bullet hit you just under your collarbone, missing your subclavian artery, and your lung. The artery ruptured from the force of the bullet though, so it explains why you passed out so quickly after you were hit. Your collarbone is also minimally fractured, so I have you in a sling for the time being.” 

Peter nods along, his eyes wide, staring at his lap. 

“Your enhanced healing managed to keep you alive until Tony showed up, and FRIDAY talked him through emergency surgery to remove the bullet and suture the artery. I did notice, however, that once you were stitched back together, you haven’t been healing quite as fast as I expected. We’ve gone over previous injuries, and the rate you normally heal doesn’t match up with what I’ve seen so far. We will have to take a couple more X-rays to see how your collarbone is doing, but even so, it looks like there’s still a large amount of bruising, and Tony informed me that you’re having trouble moving without pain.” 

“That’s right,” Peter mumbles, still looking down. 

“Okay, now that that’s done, I just wanted to mention something to you, and maybe ask a couple questions. It shouldn’t be a big deal though.” 

“Sure…?” Peter has no idea what else there could possibly be to discuss. 

“So I just wanted to ask if you’ve been eating enough lately? Have you been skipping any meals?” 

Whatever question Peter was preparing himself for, it wasn’t that. “A couple here and there when I don’t have time to grab something, I guess. Other than that I’ve been pretty good though… why do you ask?” 

Peter doesn’t know why he’s lying. He shouldn’t. It’s not like what he’s been doing is healthy; he knows that. He just hasn’t been hungry, so he figured what was a missed meal here and there? He skipped lunch a few times, and he just never gets hungry at that time anyway, so why would he bother? He almost doesn’t want to admit to himself that it may also be because of the satisfaction he felt when he looked in the mirror for the first time about a week ago. 

“Okay, that’s not bad news then,” Bruce writes something down on the clipboard, “I think we should look over your current calorie intake as well as your metabolism to see if you require more calories than you’re currently consuming. You’re not underweight or anything, but it looks like you might be headed in that direction if you don’t take some action. Don’t worry about it though, Steve and Barnes both have to eat a ton to function like they do. I assume you’re going to be similar.” 

“Sure.” Peter has a strange feeling in his gut. He doesn’t like the idea of being told what to eat. He knows himself, and how much he needs. It’s really nobody else’s business. 

“Okay, good.” Bruce pushes himself to his feet. “Then I think we’re done here for now. I’ll let you finish breakfast, and then I’ll see if I can get you in for another X-ray to check on your collarbone. Other than that, rest up, and see how you feel by the end of the day. You know yourself better than I do, so please speak up if you have any insight on healing time, or if there’s a usual order to healing.” 

“I will, Dr. Banner. I’ll think about it, and tell you after the X-ray,” Peter says, “Thanks for doing all this.” 

“Anytime, Peter. Don’t worry about it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, please forgive me for the inaccuracies. I don't really know what I'm talking about. 
> 
> Please tell me how I'm doing ! I really appreciate everyone who does. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


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